


Broken Pieces

by jhunieilarde



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:59:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 33,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24400198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhunieilarde/pseuds/jhunieilarde
Summary: After the war, Effie decided to return to District 12 to visit Katniss, Peeta, and Haymitch but soon she realized it's not a good idea. (The story is better than the summary)
Relationships: Haymitch Abernathy/Effie Trinket, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	1. Coming to Twelve

Don’t be a stranger…

That’s what he said but who’s being stranger now? It’s been three months and no letter whatsoever. If it wasn’t for Plutarch who gives me updates about them, I will have no idea that they’re doing well in 12. I wrote to Haymitch multiple times but I never received any reply from him. Too much for being a team for years. I felt that familiar darkness creeping up on me. I’ve been working on how to shove it away so it wouldn’t interfere with my work but when the night falls, it’s too much to shove away. My only saving grace is a pack of cigarette on the table. It’s a working miracle.

“Maybe a couple of days will do you good. See them. Visit them”, Plutarch suggested one day.

“He never wrote to me, not one of them did. What makes you think they want to see me?” I asked.

“They will want to see you, Effie. Perhaps, they’re still working on what to say to you or moving on with their lives”, he answered.

Their lives…that’s right. I was never part of their lives. I am just the woman who drew their names and reaped them to die for everyone’s amusement.

“Are you asking me to go as Plutarch or my boss?” I asked again.

“Both”, he answered.

So here I am inside the train going to 12. My heart is still pounding inside my chest. What if they don’t want to see me? What if they moved on and me coming to see them is a bad idea? It’s too late to back out now.

Thank goodness no one recognized me on my way to the Victor’s Village. I made it a point not to wear my wig and to only wear minimal makeup. It apparently worked.

“Who is it?” I heard his voice yelled as I knocked on the door. I didn’t answer. I kept on knocking. “Goddamn it!” he snapped as he opened the door in a halt I almost stumbled back.

“Hello, Haymitch”, I greeted in the most cheerful tone I can managed.

“You? What are you doing here?” he asked.

To anyone, that response is only natural when it comes to a person who appeared on your doorstep without invitation but knowing this man for years, his tone screams Why did you come here?

“I thought about visiting Katniss and Peeta and…you, of course. Is this a bad time?” I answered shaking off the impression I got from his question.

“No. Come on in. You will not like it in here but it’s better to let you freeze to death out there. Katniss and Peeta are out hunting. They’ll be back later for dinner”, he said.

I nodded maintaining the same smile on my face as I entered his house. He’s right. I don’t like it here. It’s dirty and smelled so badly. It’s very him. Somehow, it makes me feel better. It is very familiar. I actually missed this. For three months, I lived in the Capitol working with Plutarch and coming home to my apartment. To the people of the districts, that sounds heaven but not for me.

“So, how are you?” I asked just to start up a conversation.

“Same old…drink, eat, and sleep. You?” he answered then asked me back clearly not interested.

“Oh, I’m working with Plutarch or for Plutarch. It pays well. Capitol is slowly rebuilding and life still goes on”, I answered and he is very much uninterested to anything I said. “I wrote you…a lot”, I mentioned.

“I got ‘em”, he said briefly.

That killed the conversation if you can call that one. He meant he got my letters and doesn’t want to write back anything to me at all.

“Spill it”, I said.

He looked at me with confused eyes.

“What?” he asked.

“What you really want to say? What is on your mind? Tell me that thing you’re holding back to say”, I answered.

I cannot take the silence anymore. I spent an incredible amount in silence and darkness and I can’t take that coming from him too.

“You don’t belong here, Eff. You know that. If anyone sees you here, you will only hear things you don’t want to hear. You’re always be a Capitol citizen even without the horrible wigs and paint on your face. You’re still the same. You’re still like them”, he finally said.

Coming here is a mistake. I know that now. Plutarch is wrong. Why did I listen to him? I shouldn’t have put myself in this situation.

“Like them…glad to finally know what you really think of me, Haymitch. Don’t worry. I won’t stay long. I just want to see Katniss and Peeta and I’ll catch the next train to Capitol”, I replied coldly.

He will not see a single tear coming from me. I won’t give him that satisfaction. Suddenly, the door went open.

“Effie?” Peeta muttered and the smile returned to my face.

“Peeta, darling! How lovely to see you!” I exclaimed.

He walked towards me and hugged me. He felt warm which is nice. My eyes turned to Katniss who is staring at me with curious eyes. She must be thinking the same as Haymitch.

“Hello, Katniss”, I turned to hug her which she didn’t refuse.

“What are you doing here?” she asked as I pulled away.

“Oh, just visiting. I wrote to all of you but I received no reply so I decided to come here just to check how you’re all doing and now that I’ve seen you’re all fine, I’ll go on ahead and catch the next train back to Capitol”, I answered.

“Right now? You just got here”, Peeta said.

“Yes, that’s right. What can I say? I love trains”, I replied with my smile on.

“That is nonsense. Have dinner with us. Come on, I am cooking. I know you miss my cooking. Please, Effie”, Peeta insisted.

“Well, it’s bad manners to turn down an invitation to dinner”, I agreed.


	2. Return to Capitol

The dinner is lovely. Peeta has always been amazing in the kitchen. I talked as usual. That’s me. Silence is unbearable so I filled the dead air with comments about the constructions all over Panem. Plutarch has been filling me in news about the districts so this is me relaying the information to all of them. Peeta is very keen on listening to me. Katniss pays attention as well but Haymitch is bored. I don’t know what his deal is. He told me to not be a stranger but he’s the one being like that.

“So, they are going to put on this party this weekend. I am not sure what to wear yet but they said to abide with the new fashion trend which is no more colorful wigs and makeup. They want to keep it monochromatic but bright color is encouraged”, I said when I heard him laughed.

I decided to ignore him and continue but he kept on laughing.

“What?” I asked trying my best not to lose my temper.

“Of course only you will worry about clothes and fashion trends while the rest of the world is worried about food and water but great thoughts, princess”, he answered.

He is drunk again.

“I know that. I am only trying to make conversation”, I explained.

“Well, no one cares, sweetheart. No one cares what you’ll be wearing or the party or you”, he snapped.

As much as I want to let it slide, I can’t. I can’t because it hurts too much. I know no one cares but hearing that from him, it felt like a slap on the face.

“Thank you for making that clear. The people in the Capitol already informed me of that and it’s great that the people from District 12 feel the same way about me too”, I muttered while looking on my plate trying hard to hold back my tears.

“Effie”, Peeta called but I flashed him a smile.

“The dinner is lovely, Peeta. If you’ll excuse me, I just need some fresh air”, I said and got up and left the house as quickly as I can.

I lit my cigarette in less than five seconds and inhaled deeply. No more crying. I am done of crying. I inhaled some more until I finished the stick. I lit one more and resumed smoking.

[Tell us what you know about the rebellion!]

[I don’t know anything! I already told you that!]

[Well, then…I am sure you will have a great time here with Oleg.]

Not that again…not that memory. I hated that one. I breathed deeply. I can feel my heart pounding really hard and it’s making it difficult to breathe.

“Get back inside the house”, Haymitch commanded.

It wasn’t a request at all. Only Haymitch can have the audacity to insult you, tell you no one cares about you and command you to get back inside the house.

“You can tell Peeta that I refused to go back. He won’t hold that against you”, I said.

I know it’s Peeta that sent him out here to get me. That kid has a big heart. I am glad Snow didn’t take that away from him.

“I never knew you smoke”, he muttered as he walks closer to me.

“It’s a habit I picked up along the way”, I explained and it’s not much of an explanation.

“You shouldn’t have come here”, he said.

“So you keep telling me”, I snapped.

“We moved on, Eff. It was hard at first and we missed you but we moved on. We managed to make a life, have a routine, and that life doesn’t include anyone whose part of the games. It doesn’t include anything that will remind us of those horrible times”, he explained.

“It doesn’t include me. You can say it. It’s okay. I know you moved on. Plutarch is giving me updates about the three of you since he knows you never write me back. He’s the one who asked me to come here to see you. I told him it’s a bad idea but he said you would want to see me. Guess he’s wrong this time”, I said.

He didn’t say anything. I expected him to say something rude but nothing.

“I missed the train about half an hour ago. The next one is tomorrow morning. I’ll take that one and be out of your hair, I promise. I will not bother you anymore and you will not hear anything from me again. I promise”, I added.

“Eff…”

“Don’t say anything. It will only make it worse. At least I held on my end of that phrase. I didn’t become a stranger”, I cut him off with a fake smile. “You should go back inside. I’ll finish up here. Tomorrow, things will go back to normal for you and Peeta and Katniss”, I added.

He didn’t protest. He went back inside to Katniss and Peeta. I wished he insisted. I wished he fought more, forced me to go back inside with him like what the old Haymitch will do but I guess he has changed, all of them have. So I lit up another cigarette and smoked the pain away.

The morning come and Haymitch is sleeping soundly on the sofa. Peeta and Katniss went home last night after saying goodnight to me. I didn’t tell them I am leaving today. Peeta will only be upset. I am glad that I packed light considering it will be a long walk to the station. I am not needed and wanted here in District 12. I am not wanted too in the Capitol but where else can I go? I grabbed my suitcase and went towards the door. I didn’t bother waking up Haymitch. He will only be upset. I turned back just to get a glimpse of his house before closing the door behind me.

“Capitol?” the man asked.

“Unfortunately”, I answered and he only gave me a smirk.

I took out my cigarette and lit one up. There is no place left for me. I know that now. No one cares anymore. Haymitch told me that himself. If any other people tell me that, I will totally ignore it but he’s the only that matter and if he thinks that, then it must be true. No one cares.


	3. The Phone Call

Effie…what the hell was she thinking coming back here and then leaving just like that? She didn’t even said goodbye after just showing up. How rude of her? I thought she’s all about manners. I know I said some hurtful things but she can’t blame me for that. It’s true. We moved on. We tried our best to put the games behind us by cutting those people connected to it. We chose to not write back to Effie and it worked. It helped with the nightmares. It was working and then she came back.

She’s smoking now. She never smoked a day in her life before. When our tributes died, no matter how upset she was, she didn’t even touch my alcohol. She confined herself inside her room where I know she spent the night crying. Now, she is smoking.

It’s a habit I picked up along the way.

Her tone was so flat and sad. She used to be cheerful and bubbly to the point it was annoying. After we rescued her, she kept it professional. She remained Katniss’ escort and helped her with propos but she stopped making personal conversation. She stopped talking out of randomness. She only spoke when someone’s asking her something. I never had the time to ask her how’s she feeling because we got a lot on our plate. Katniss told me once about the vacant look in her eyes but even with that, I didn’t do anything. I told her not to be a stranger and she did her best. I chose to be a stranger.

[The people in the Capitol already informed me of that and it’s great that the people from District 12 feel the same way about me too.]

The Capitol citizens don’t like her? That’s impossible. She’s the darling of the Capitol. Everyone knows that. They all adore her. Men in the Capitol fantasized about her. Then, I remembered how Snow threw her in prison for being associated with us. She didn’t know anything and they locked her up in a dark cell. They told me they found her there all beaten up and no clothes at all. Not once I asked her about that too. It’s like, I forgot about her. I focused all my energy on the war. Plutarch and I fought for Coin to keep her alive and after that, I left everything to Plutarch.

“Where is she?” Peeta asked.

“She left. She rode the train to Capitol this morning”, I answered.

I can feel his eyes following me as well as Katniss’. I looked back at them and I saw anger building up in him.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s Effie. She took care of us during those times and even you’re unbearable to be around with, she stuck with you. She took care of you when you’re passed out. It’s not her job to be our nanny but she did it anyway. She wrote us letters for three months straight and despite us not writing back to her, she still came here to check on us and you managed to say those things to her face? I thought you couldn’t do anything worse but you just outdone yourself”, Peeta answered.

“Peeta, come on, we should go”, Katniss said.

They were about to leave when Peeta stopped and turned back to me.

“Johanna was detained just across Effie’s cell for three days. Effie doesn’t know that because it’s too dark but Johanna knows it was Effie because she can hear her singing that favorite song of hers when the Peacekeepers weren’t around. She said that every night, they would question her and beat her for not knowing anything about the rebellion. After that, they would start doing things to her. Johanna couldn’t see anything but she knew what they’re doing. She could hear Effie begging them to stop but they never did. Have you ever think that maybe it’s not just us who needed to move on? Have you ever think that maybe we should’ve included her and not shut her out like this?” he exclaimed before leaving with Katniss.

Damn it! I knew he will be upset because of this. He always likes Effie. Perhaps I should call her just to let her know I am sorry. I am very sorry. I waited for hours before I got the courage to finally do it.

“Goddamn it…” I muttered and walked towards the phone when it suddenly rang. I picked up.

“Yeah?” I answered.

“Haymitch, what the hell did you do?” Plutarch exclaimed over the phone.

“Plutarch? What are you talking about?” I asked.

“I sent Effie there so she can have a nice vacation to heal and be happy for once. Now, I found her inside her apartment unconscious, barely breathing”, he answered.

Shock filled me.

“What?” I asked again.

“She took a whole bottle of pills and chased it with vodka. I have to rush her to the hospital. She’s still unconscious and the doctor hasn’t said anything to me yet. What happened? I know it was you”, Plutarch answered and then asked me back.

Effie just tried to kill herself. That thought had a hard time registering in my head. Plutarch will never lie about this. He knows me too well. This isn’t a ploy to get me to humble myself. This is real.

“I’ll be there”, I muttered and hung up.

I packed up my bag as quickly as I can and then ran outside where Katniss and Peeta caught me.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“…to the Capitol”, I answered.

“What? What are you going to do in that place?” she asked again.

“I’m going to see Effie. I don’t have time for this, okay? I’ll be back soon. I really need to go”, I answered.

I turned and saw Peeta nodding at me. He’s still mad but he approves that I will be going there to see her. Of course, I didn’t tell them that she just tried to kill herself because they will never forgive me.

“Alright, be careful”, Katniss said.

“Thank you”, I said and then leave.


	4. Effie

(after arriving at the apartment)

I know my space is big but I never thought of it to be this big. It is so huge I can feel myself getting smaller and smaller. That’s right. I am small and insignificant. I literally have no one. Plutarch? That man is looking out for me out of charity. He feels guilty about what happened to me during the rebellion so he's doing his best to make it up to me. My entire family died during the war. Coin’s bomb hit my family’s house directly and torched everyone in it. Plutarch knows it but I specifically requested that he tells no one about that. I had enough of pitiful eyes on me. That’s not how I want to be treated.

After the war, the people here in the Capitol can’t quite figure out what to make of me. Some see me as the traitor who betrayed her fellow Capitol citizen to side with the rebels and some see me as the same privileged escort of District 12 who knows nothing of suffering. There is no in-between. The truth is I am both. I am a Capitol citizen who reaped innocent children every year and I am also the same escort who sided with Katniss and betrayed my friends and family. No one cares. That’s what Haymitch said.

Haymitch…I honestly thought I will find the people who can finally understand me. I thought they will be the people who can look at me without judgment in their eyes because of all the things we went through together but apparently I was wrong. I am a reminder to them of the horror they went through. I am the living proof that all those terrible things truly happened to them. What do I do now? Where do I go? The Capitol despises me and to be honest I feel the same way after my government locked me up and tortured me. District 12 knows me for being a monster who smiles at them while I draw their children’s names to be killed for entertainment. I got no place in the world.

That is right. I got no place in this world. I got nothing left here. I got no friends. I got no family. I lost my team. I lost Haymitch. What am I still doing here? I am just wasting time and space and resources for others to use. For the first time in three months, I came up with the best idea on how to deal with my future.

“Effie? Are you still at District 12? I want to tell you that if you want to extend your vacation, it’s fine with me”, Plutarch said on the phone.

“No, dear. I am back here at my apartment”, I informed him.

“Oh? That was a quick visit. What happened?” he asked.

I know he will ask. He always pries. That’s one of our qualities.

“You were wrong, darling, but it’s okay. I took the first train this morning. I’ll just take the day off and rest. It’s been an exhausting journey but I will talk to you soon”, I answered.

“If you want to talk about it, I can clear my schedule”, he offered. I know he means well but I don’t feel like talking about anything at all.

“That’s very kind of you, Plutarch but I’m fine, just fine. You go on ahead with your schedule and I will now rest. Goodbye, Plutarch and thank you”, I declined politely and hung up.

There’s still one bottle of vodka left in my fridge so I poured it into my glass. I took the bottle Dr. Aurelius prescribed to me. I never touched it mostly because I am too proud to admit to myself that I needed medication. I popped the bottle open and poured the pills onto my palm. I closed my eyes and all I can see are the children’s faces. They must’ve think that it took me long enough to do this. I sent them all to their deaths. They do not deserve to be there and it’s me who drew their names out of the bowl with a smile on my face. It was my fault their dead.

“I cannot fix everything but I hope my life will suffice for now”, I muttered and swallowed the pills and followed it with a glass of vodka.

I have no idea if this will happen right away or if it will take time. I have never done this before so I have no experience whatsoever. There were few times I saw it on TV. They made it look so glamorous but I know that death is never glamorous. I worked in the business built by death so I should know. My head is getting lighter. I should probably lay down.

My eyes are set towards my bedroom but I don’t think I can make it there so the sofa will do. I set myself down gently and relaxed. I feel so sleepy. Maybe this kind of death is a bit glamorous. I should’ve paid attention on what I would’ve looked like. Then I remember I am wearing a white dress with thick red lipstick. I think I unconsciously prepared myself to be in this situation. I’ll do just fine. My eyes are getting heavier and just before I drifted off, the last face that came to my sight is Haymitch’s.

“I’ll never bother you again. I promise”, I muttered and let myself fall asleep hoping to never wake up again.

Voices…I am hearing voices. Why is everyone yelling? Don’t they know it is rude to yell? Civilized people should keep their voices level. This is so ill mannered.

“Miss Trinket? Can you hear me? Miss Trinket?” someone is calling my attention.

I tried to open my eyes and I only saw bright light that hurt my eyes.

“She’s conscious but unresponsive. How many did she take?” the man asked someone, I think.

“…the entire bottle”, someone said.

What are they talking about?

“Make sure we got it all out before her heart gives in”, the man ordered.

My heart? My heart already gave in back in that cell and still they don’t know that. Oh, I almost forgot…no one cares. A smile played upon my lips. Why do I bother? No one cares. I just closed my eyes and let go of everything else.


	5. Hospital Visit

I arrived at the hospital and saw Plutarch waiting at the hallway. He looked terrible and there are dark circles around his eyes.

“Where is she?” I asked without bothering for any formal greetings. I am not known for manners anyway so it’s fine.

“She’s in there. She woke up earlier but didn’t say anything. She dozed off after they gave her a sedative. Haymitch, what the hell happened?” he answered and then asked me back.

What should I say? I know it’s my fault. I pushed her to the edge. She came to 12 for help, though she did not say it, that’s why she came there for and I drove her away for my selfish reason. Why didn’t I see the sign? She’s basically telling to my face that she felt like she didn’t belong to her home anymore and I told her she’s a reminder of our nightmare, that she doesn’t belong with us too.

“I screwed up, Plutarch. I know it. I said some things. I was insensitive”, I answered.

“You told her she doesn’t belong with you either, don’t you?” he asked. I didn’t answer. He already knows. “Jesus, Haymitch! Okay, I know she told me not to say anything to you or to Katniss and Peeta but this is too much. Do you have any idea what they did to her down that cell?” he exclaimed.

“Johanna told Katniss about the torture…” I started but he cut me off.

“Torture? They violated her!” he shouted.

It’s like the world stopped spinning and the air got sucked out of the room. I found myself holding my breath.

“What did you just say?” I asked trying my best to remain calm.

“You are so clueless, Haymitch. You are so damn clueless. It’s Effie Trinket. Every man in the Capitol wants her so what would you expect when they got her locked up in the dark by herself? They knew that she doesn’t know anything about the rebellion but they kept her alive not to use her as bait but because to use her for fun. She’s their prize from Snow for their loyalty. They got to have Effie Trinket, the darling of the Capitol”, he answered.

My ears couldn’t actually accept the words he’s saying to me right now.

“I only found out when we’re back in 13 when they gave me her medical report. I hid it and kept it a secret because if Coin finds out about that, she would use that as leverage to make Effie do things she doesn’t want to do. When the three of you returned to District 12, that’s the only time I handed her the report. I told her that I didn’t tell anyone and she made me promise to keep it to myself but I can’t do it anymore. Sure, you suffered. Hell, we all suffered. It’s not her fault. She didn’t come into the game by her choice. She’s forced to be part of it and she did the best that she can for her tributes and for you. I get the nightmare you went through but you got to suck it up because you have no idea what she went through either. Now, if you’re planning in going in that room you have to put that drunken act behind and be there as Haymitch that used to care for her, the Haymitch that fought Coin to keep her alive because if you hurt her again, I will throw your ass back to 12 and I will never speak to you ever again”, he added.

I know he means every word of it because he didn’t even blink while saying them. I only nodded and proceeded to enter Effie’s room.

Of course, the hospital room that she’s in is way better than the one she was in back in 13. My eyes landed on her frail body on the bed wearing hospital gown. Her natural hair is on full display since it’s no longer fashionable for Capitol citizen to wear wigs. Her beauty is still there although the horror she endured is evident. Her soft lips are pale. It hurts just to look at her like this. I sat next to her and held her hand. It was usually warm. She has warm hands but now it’s cold.

“I’m so sorry, Eff. I am so stupid and an ass. I guess you already know that. I just didn’t…I didn’t think about you or your feelings. Everything is about me, I know. I am working on letting that go. Please, find the courage to fight. I promise you that when you wake up, you will find the place where you belong”, I said even though I know she can’t hear me. “It’s just…I can’t lose you too, princess. I lost a lot of people I cared about throughout the years. I have always taken you for granted and that’s my mistake. You’re that one person who’s constantly there for me and I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I made a terrible mistake. I left you and now I shut you out. I didn’t deserve to be forgiven but you deserve better. You always have. Just come back, princess”, I added.

It must have been hours because I dozed off. A voice woke me up and when I looked at Effie, she’s already awake staring back at me like she couldn’t believe that she’s looking at me.

“Hey, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?” I asked.

I haven’t slept well on the train and it’s only a short nap but I forced myself to be fully awake so I can be here for her.

“I’ve been better. My throat hurts”, she answered.

“Yeah…they needed to get those pills out of you so…” I explained as much as I can. I don’t really know how they do that.

“What are you doing here, Haymitch? I thought you said you moved on. I left so you can continue your lives at 12”, she asked.

The pain in her voice is so loud that it is making me wish to be dead right now rather than hear the pain I caused her.

“Plutarch called me about what happened. He was the one who found you in your apartment. I just need to get here as fast as I can. I didn’t tell Katniss and Peeta”, I answered.

“That’s good that you didn’t tell them. This is embarrassing”, she muttered.

“Yeah, it is…you shouldn’t have done that”, I agreed.

“No. It’s embarrassing that it didn’t work. I should be dead right now and yet here I am talking to you”, she clarified.

“What? Don’t talk like that, Eff. I don’t ever want you to talk like that, okay? I was wrong. Everything I said to you. I was wrong. You know how foolish I can be. Forget everything I said and rest so you can get your strength back. I will be here for you. I promise. I will always be here for you”, I said.


	6. Haymitch's Secret Spot

Plutarch has been a dear. He went all out of his way to help me and look after me despite his busy schedule. I couldn’t ask for too much which is why I understand his reaction to what I did. He’s furious that I gave up. What he doesn’t understand is that I didn’t give up. I tried to set myself free and atone for my sins which I failed of course.

“If you ever thought about doing that again, will you please make the effort to call me and talk to me first? I may be able to persuade you to change your mind. Don’t scare me like that ever again, Effie”, he said as he bid goodbye.

“I will keep that in mind, Plutarch”, I replied.

Haymitch decided to stay with me at my apartment. I told him that I am fine and I don’t need him to babysit me but he refused. He’s so stubborn. He hates the Capitol and I know how much he resents staying here with me.

“Good thing your fridge is filled. I am starving. I am making you dinner”, he said while waltzing in my kitchen.

“You don’t need to do that. I can cook for you”, I said.

“Oh no, you sit there and relax”, he declined.

He’s treating me like a baby. I am not a baby. The fireworks outside caught my attention. It’s the Liberation Day. I almost forgot about it. It’s the celebration of President’s Snow’s decline and the victory of the rebellion. I got the invitation weeks ago and have no intention of going. Most people there dislike me even though I contributed back in District 13. My Capitol friends don’t talk to me anymore because they think of me as a traitor. Plutarch is the only one left who has the guts to speak with me in this city.

“Liberation Day…you want me to come with you, princess?” Haymitch asked.

I didn’t hear him walk towards me because now he’s standing behind me only a couple of inches away.

“I am not going”, I answered.

“That’s odd. You like parties. You’ve always have. You like dressing up and socializing with other people. I can stomach it as long as you’ll not going to leave me by myself out there”, he said.

I took a deep sigh.

“That was the old Effie Trinket. I now grew tired of them. They don’t deserve my effort to look fabulous. I’d rather hole up in here and let the night pass. Tomorrow, it’s all going to be over”, I explained.

There’s silence that followed after that. Usually, Haymitch will make some hurtful comments but I got nothing. He must be holding it back so he wouldn’t offend me. I turned around and met his eyes. They’re not teasing nor insulting. They’re soft and worried.

“I’m fine, Haymitch, really. I don’t want to go”, I said to reassure him.

“Tell me why you don’t want to go”, he said.

I frowned. Why is it so important? He doesn’t like parties. He’s the one who always makes a fuss whenever I tried to get him to come with me.

“They don’t want me there”, I said and he kept it shut like waiting for me to say more. “Those people are mostly from District 13 and they still don’t like me despite everything that has happened. The remaining Capitol citizens out there dislike me for being a traitor so I can’t go there. No one wants me to be there. Plutarch maybe, but I can’t force him to stay with me the whole night because he has other things to do so I am not going. Is that explanation enough for you, Haymitch?” I added without realizing that I already raised my voice at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. That’s rude”, I apologized right away.

He walked even closer and put his hands over my shoulders. I can feel the warmth coming from his skin and it’s making me nervous.

“Come on…I’ll take you out and no, we’re not going to that stupid party”, he said.

I didn’t bother putting much to my face though I dressed up presentably just in case some people will see me. Haymitch didn’t take me to the party. He instead took me to a garden by the west side of the city. It’s hidden inside the reserved forest. No one ever goes here because it’s forbidden which explained my surprise when I saw how beautiful it is.

“Oh my lord…this is marvelous”, I muttered.

The flowers are in full bloom. The water by the lake is glistening as the moonlight reflects on it. It is so peaceful. In my entire life, I’ve never seen such beauty here in the Capitol.

“How did you find this place?” I asked him.

“I love to roam around when I try to escape your stupid parties. The excessiveness and bland conversations always made me feel uncomfortable and pretty angry so I escape and roam around trying to find a perfect spot for me to get wasted so I found this. I’ve never shown this to anyone. It’s like my secret hiding spot”, he answered.

Am I dreaming or he’s different? He’s actually smiling. 

“Why did you bring me here then?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” he asked me back.

“I thought you don’t care. You said no one cares about me. Why did you bring me here?” I clarified.

I can see the guilt filling his eyes. It’s just a question. I need to know because right now I am very confused. He told me one thing and now he’s here looking after me after that whole fiasco in 12.

Instead of answering, he moved closer and cupped my face with his hands and put his lips over mine. I am too stunned to react or say something. I just felt warmth all over and for the first time in three months, I was able to relax and let my guard down. I feel safe. He finally pulled away and looked deep into my eyes.

“I brought you here to show you that I am not scared anymore to let you in. I will never push you away again, princess”, he answered.


	7. Effie's  Secret Job

I chose to remain in the Capitol even though I loathe the very smell of it because of Effie. She made it clear that no one besides Plutarch wants her there and because she felt left out as well in District 12, I don’t know how I will convince her to stay with us. I thought my life is hell but seeing her now and how the fire in her eyes had been snuff out, I may have to rethink that. I still don’t know how she got into the games. Plutarch said she was forced to be part of it which might mean that she doesn’t want to be a part of it in the first place. That would also mean that that whole show about being excited about the parties, the interviews, and socializing with people involved in the game were all pretense. 

I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve seen Effie put on a big show of being pleased to meet the previous game master before Seneca whom she hated. She endured three hours of talking to him like they’ve been best friends for years. She laughed at his jokes and even touched him from time to time. After that whole fiasco, we went back to our floor and there she expressed how disgusted she was of him. I was so shocked, of course, because I thought she did like him. That’s how I found out that she can really suck it up and put a face for everyone and hide behind her wigs.

We talked, occasionally. She’s been very quiet, always looking out on a distance. It’s an awkward feeling because Effie is not the quiet type even when she was with us at District 13. She was constantly talking if not complaining. The nights are complicated. I would wake up in the middle of the night to her screams. She always gets nightmares every single night and I made sure I am always there to wake her up. She’s not as dangerous as we are in that kind of situation. She doesn’t sleep with a knife and try to kill anyone who tries to wake her although she gets hysterical like I’m there to kill her. It will take her a minute or two before she realized it’s me.

Today is not any different. She’s quiet just reading her book by the sofa while I am watching the television. There’s that noticeable dark circles around her eyes. I can tell that she’s exhausted. She rarely gets decent hours of sleep. Sometimes, she would fell asleep on the sofa from reading and that would only last for not more than four hours. It’s getting into her.

“Do you want to go out later? We can visit the secret garden if you want and stay there have a picnic maybe”, I asked breaking the silence between us.

She turned her eyes on me and all I saw was sadness. The fire is no longer there. I couldn’t even see a trace of it. It’s like it never existed. She just looked so defeated.

“That would be nice but I got to be somewhere tonight. Plutarch asked me to meet an investor for his program. He said it’s important that I closed the deal with him so I said yes”, she answered.

I didn’t know she’s working. Of course, she has to work. She’s not an escort anymore.

“Oh, do you want me to come with you? I can go with you”, I offered.

She let out a smile.

“That’s generous, Haymitch, but it will be in a bar and it will be filled with people you don’t like. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’ll come home for dinner. Is it okay if you make me that pie you baked the other night?” she declined and then asked.

I knew she loved that pie. She ate like three slices of it.

“Alright…consider it done, princess”, I agreed.

“Thank you, Haymitch”, she replied.

Her fridge is always full which is more than I can say from what we have back at 12. I wrote to Katniss and Peeta just to let them know that we’re fine. I know they worry too about Effie. I have no idea if they know about that she tried to kill herself though.

I checked the clock and it’s almost eleven. This is odd. She’s usually back by nine whenever she goes out. She said she will be back for dinner. Eleven is not dinner time.

Plutarch gave me the address of the bar. He knows better than to argue with me although he pleaded for me not to make a scene because that investor is really important. I made no promises. I reached the bar and she was right. It’s filled with people I don’t like. I guess, it’s where the Capitol people hang out after the rebellion. Some of them still sport the wig and the heavy makeup from before the war. Those bottles by the bar look great but I am not here for that. I am here to find Effie.

It didn’t take long. I spotted her by the corner talking with a man. She’s not wearing any wig although she painted her face with makeup, nothing like before though. I can see the investor’s hand running up and down her bare thigh. She’s wearing a black dress that’s really short than what she normally wears. They’re talking very intimately and I saw her handed him a pen. The gentleman signed a small screen and Effie took it right away. I guess the deal has been sealed and she knew it too because her demeanor has changed. She’s not as engaged as before. She turned her thigh away from his reach but maintained the flirty smile on her face.

The man is eager. Effie got up to head to the bar when he followed her and pinned her against the wall. I was about to storm there when I saw her put her hand on his face like she’s calming him down. She playfully pushed his chest to get the glass on the counter and gave it to him. Once the man finished his drink, the two danced a little with his hands roaming around her body. I can feel my blood rising towards my head and it is boiling. How can she let the man touch her like that? I know it’s important for Plutarch but that is too much!

A moment later, Effie introduced him to another woman with the same outfit as hers. The lady is obviously very much interested and danced with him right away. Effie took her chance to exit. I finally was able to see what she’s talking about the Capitol citizen disliking her. They are all glaring at her as she passed them. Then, I caught up with her at the back of the bar sending the contract to Plutarch on her tablet.

“Is that how you do a business now, princess?” I asked which startled her.

“God, Haymitch! What are you doing here?” she exclaimed but I didn’t answer. She knows what I mean. “That is nothing, darling. Don’t overreact. The deal is done. See? I guess this needs to be celebrated. Come on. Let’s go home. I’m excited for that pie”, she answered like nothing happened.


	8. Strings

We got back to my apartment and I can feel his eyes on my back all the time. How much did he see? I specifically asked him to stay home and baked me a pie while I was out and he couldn’t even do the first part. I should’ve known. It’s Haymitch. When did he ever follow my instructions? Never. Of course, the pie is cold now so I put in the microwave and reheat it. I am honestly starving. As I move around the kitchen, I did my best to avoid his eyes. He’s still staring and I know he’s waiting for me to explain myself. There’s nothing to explain. It is what it is.

“Okay, cut this crap”, he said and grabbed the plate from my hand and tossed it on the table. For sure it received an ugly cracked because of it.

“What are you doing? That’s a piece of my china!” I exclaimed.

“Cut that too. What were you doing back there? Is that what Plutarch asked you to do?” he fired the questions I don’t want him to ask.

My brain is processing things I can say to divert his attention but I couldn’t think of any. He’s not going to let this go and he’s not going to pass out anytime soon because he’s not even drunk.

“I was working, Haymitch. It’s what I do. I get things done. I seal deals. Leave it be”, I answered as polite as I can be.

He’s brain is processing. I can see it and he’s overthinking everything.

“Plutarch sent you to close the deal because he knows exactly how you do it, is that right?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes around and walked towards the living room where is more spacious than my kitchen so I can breathe.

“Is that right, princess? You have to let men disrespect you just so they can sign your contracts. Is that your new job now, sweetheart?” he shouted as he follows me.

“I said it leave it be, Haymitch. It’s late and I don’t want to wake the neighbors”, I said in my best calmed voice.

I felt his hand grabbed my arm and yanked me around and pinned me against the wall to prevent me from walking any farther.

“Your neighbors don’t care about you. You said it yourself. Tell me, princess. Does it feel good to twist men around your fingers so they can give you what you want? Does that make you feel special?” he pressed even more and it finally hit a nerve.

“I was an escort for six years, Haymitch! Do you think all those kids who could barely lift a knife would just get sponsors by looking incredibly pitiful on camera?” I yelled which surprised even myself because I don’t like doing that very much but I am so pissed. “I didn’t like it either but I have to learn to do it because you did nothing all those years ago but drink until you drop letting those kids get nothing, not even one sponsor so I stepped in. For sure you will say that everything I did was for nothing since they didn’t make it but at least I did something. I reaped them from their lives. That’s the least I can do for them”, I continued.

He slowly released my arms but didn’t say a word. I took a deep breath. It’s time for the dam to be open, I guess.

“Well, it turns out I am very good at it. Sponsors finally noticed District 12. I barely have to do anything. During the 74th Hunger Games, I had to pull some heavy strings to keep Katniss and Peeta alive somehow. Seneca warned me that they wanted to get 12 out of the game as early as possible to make it more entertaining. I worked really hard to make sure they’re not going to pull that stunt to get rid of them like that”, I added.

If only looks can kill, I’ll be dead right now.

“What strings did you pull, Eff? What did you do all those years ago?” he asked. I felt chills down my spine.

I don’t fear around Haymitch. I always feel safe whenever I’m with him but not right now. The way he asked those last two questions struck fear into my heart.

“I don’t think you want to hear and I don’t really want you to know so can we please drop this subject. I don’t want to talk about it anymore”, I pleaded.

His hands returned on my arms and his grip is much tighter than before.

“Tell me”, he ordered.

“President Snow wanted some attention thrown to District 12. After you won your game, no other victor was produced by your district until Katniss and Peeta. All that followed you died fast and horribly and you getting wasted didn’t help. District 12 was disappearing and he wanted to put some spotlight on it so he chose me to be the escort of District 12. I have no intention of joining the games but he didn’t give me a choice. I learned that being a former model of the Capitol has its perks when it comes to being an escort. The men, Capitol rich men, wanted to spend some time with me. I capitalized on that and built my network of connections until I met some who agreed to sponsor our tributes. That time when I found out their initial plan for Katniss and Peeta since they’re pissed at her manners during that training, I called in some favors to get the bigger sponsors in the Capitol. It wasn’t nice. I have to admit that but it paid off. Katniss and Peeta got their first sponsor and things went well for them after that, I guess”, I explained trying to avoid sensitive stuff.

He gets it. I know he does.

“Here I thought she really did impress someone with that arrow shot. It was all you. You impressed someone”, he snapped and it hurts like hell.

“Oh, screw you, Haymitch…if you think I love every minute of it, I don’t. I only did it for my victors and I will do it all over again if needed to”, I snapped back.

He loosened his grip but didn’t let go of me. He took a deep breath and I can feel the fear subsiding in me.

“I will have a good talk with Plutarch. Tonight is the last time you’re going to do what you did. You are so much more than what I saw back there and I don’t want you to do that ever again. Do you understand?” he said.

Normally, I will protest at him ordering me around but not this time. I can’t find it in me to protest.

“Yes. I understand”, I simply replied.


	9. Bad News

Effie fell asleep right away. She must have had couple of drinks at the bar as she entertained that investor. My head still couldn’t cope with all the things she said. How can I be so blind? All those parties she used to attend, I thought she just loved it. I thought she’s just the normal Capitol darling who loves attention but no. She’s attending those to get sponsors. She’s using her charm and her popularity to get them to invest their money to my district even though our previous tributes before Katniss and Peeta were weak. I was so caught up with drinking that I didn’t even notice what she’s doing or even care what she’s doing.

That controversy about Katniss shooting an arrow towards those people during training put Effie in hysterics. We thought she’s just overreacting but she’s truly panicking. She paced back and forth and then left us to make some phone calls. Later that night, she informed that she’ll be going out to meet some friends to cool some steam stating she’s still mad at Katniss. The next day I got a call about a sponsor wanting to put his money on District 12. I expected Effie to jump in happiness when I informed them about it but she only smiled and lectured Katniss and Peeta. I should’ve known then and there that something’s odd. It was her. She went out that night to pull that ‘heavy string’ for Katniss and Peeta. If what she said was true about Seneca’s warning, then she knew that what Katniss did will only put her and Peeta’s lives at risk and without sponsor willing to jump in first, their chances of survival will be slim so she did what she did.

Memories came flooding back as I try to look at them in different perspective. There were some nights where I would catch her in the living room looking exhausted. The beaming smile on her face was gone. Whenever I asked her back then what’s the matter, she would just say ‘oh, just tired from walking around with my designer shoes all day long’. I know now that that wasn’t true. For years, I put the blame on her for the horrible things that happened to those kids that she reaped without realizing how much she cares. She took care of them when I chose to drown myself with alcohol and ignore them. I detached myself and she used herself to give them their best chance.

I went inside her bedroom just to check on her. She’s still asleep. I noticed the marks on her arms. I held on to her quite strong. I didn’t mean to but I was so angry earlier that I lost it a bit. They must hurt. She has a pale porcelain skin and I should’ve known that she bruised easily.

“I’m so sorry, Eff”, I whispered and started walking away.

“Please, stay”, she suddenly said.

I stopped and turned around. She’s already awake or perhaps she’s been awake for some time.

“I thought you’re sleeping’, I said.

“I couldn’t sleep. Do you mind staying for a while?” she asked.

I walked back to her and sat next to her. She moved closer and put her head on my lap. I gently brushed her natural hair with my fingers. I have touched her wigs before and they were synthetic. Her natural hair is soft. 

“I never meant to go behind your back. I just wanted to help and I know you don’t want to get attached to those kids so I thought it would be best if I just kept it a secret. They didn’t deserve to be thrown like that in the arena and providing them some sponsors was the only thing I can do at the time”, she said.

Her voice is full of pain.

“I know. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there and that I didn’t help you”, I apologized. I was an idiot and a selfish bastard.

“That’s alright. I get it. There are times that I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and I now understand why you chose to drink and forget. I did that too when I was here by myself so I can say now I am more sympathetic to your drinking habits not that I condone it”, she said.

I laughed a little. She always hated my drinking and scolded me numerous times about it. At least, now she understands it.

“Yeah, I know you will never condone it ever. Rest now, princess. Tomorrow is another day. We can go to the garden and have a picnic. You should see it during daylight. It looks amazing”, I said.

She smiled at the idea of it.

“That would be nice. Will you stay here while I sleep? I just feel calm and safe when you’re around”, she asked.

“Of course, I’ll stay”, I answered and lie down with her on her bed.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I heard is her screaming. I almost jumped out of the bed and saw her having a nightmare.

“Effie! Wake up! You’re just dreaming”, I shook her and she finally opened her eyes.

She jolted up but I caught her and pulled her into my arms. Her whole body is trembling and shaking in fear. I don’t want to ask what she dreamt about because I know it’s horrible enough to make her feel like this.

“It’s alright, sweetheart. I am here. I am right here and I’m not going anywhere”, I whispered.

The morning came and Effie is still sleeping. It was a long night last night. I told her funny stories so I can take her mind off from the nightmare until she fell asleep. I tiptoed out of her room and dialed on the phone in the living room.

“Hey, it’s Haymitch. We need to talk about Effie”, I said.

“I agree”, Plutarch said.

“Don’t ask her to make some investor sign contracts. I don’t want her doing that kind of stuff anymore”, I said.

“I’m afraid that might never happen again even without you telling me”, he mentioned.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“President Paylor is throwing her immunity to the garbage. I just got the news this morning. They want to put her on trial”, he answered.


	10. Let's Take Our Time

I sat on my sofa with black coffee on my hands as I listened to Plutarch and Haymitch debate about my impending doom. Apparently, President Paylor decided that Katniss’ deal with Coin about my immunity is no longer valid considering Katniss did kill Coin. Paylor wanted me on trial to set an example of sort to the citizen. I was part of the games and took a vital part of it too. She wanted to show that the new government will not tolerate people like me. I should’ve known this will happen one way or another.

“Are you kidding me? Effie was with us in District 13. She helped Katniss be the Mockingjay they wanted her to be. She left her home for the rebellion, not to mention her wigs and ridiculous dresses. She gave us useful information about the Capitol and they wanted to put her on trial?” Haymitch exclaimed for the fifth time.

“Don’t you think I didn’t mention that to Paylor already? I spent two hours arguing with her but she made up her mind. She’s also feeling the pressure from certain people who feel that Effie was let off easy”, Plutarch explained, also for the fifth time.

“Screw that! Coin’s bomb torched her entire family. Wasn’t that enough?” Haymitch asked.

I took a sip on my cup as the two continued to raise their voices on each other.

“What are they going to do if she’s found guilty to those stupid charges then?” Haymitch asked.

I put down my cup gently on the table.

“If it comes to that, they will put me in prison for indefinite amount of time. Considering the gravity of charges, I would say that it may not take that long. They will sure give me the death sentence and it will all be over”, I intervened.

They both looked at me unexpectedly. I do know the government and its laws though I may not look like it.

“I appreciate the concern from the both of you but we both know how strong their case is against me. I did reap children every year from District 12 and escort them to their deaths with smile on my face. They will convict me. I know that for sure and there’s a great chance I will die”, I added. They’re both lost for words. “Oh come on, we all know that. It’s a given fact. Even both of you testified on my behalf about the things I’ve done during the war, they will still push it to make a point to the Capitol citizen. Darling of the Capitol sentenced to death for her participation during the Hunger Games. That’s one hell of a headline and it will solidify President Paylor’s government. It’s just how Panem works. We should all learn to make peace with it”, I finished and resumed drinking my coffee. It may be my last chance to have one.

“There’s no way in hell I will let that happen”, Haymitch muttered.

“Darling, it’s not up to you anymore. You know how things work better than anyone. It will happen. I wish it will not but it is what it is”, I explained.

He knows the system. He always does. That’s why he hates it so much. Even with the new government, some tactics from Snow’s time worked well with the Capitol and it’s no surprise Paylor decided to adapt some of them.

“We can still make an appeal. I can call some people and see what I can do. It’s not over yet, Effie”, Plutarch said.

I smiled at him.

“Thank you for trying dear. Well, if we’re done with this dreadful subject, I would like to go to that picnic now, the one that you promised last night. It might be my last chance to be there so I’d like to cherish it as much as I can”, I said with my excited and upbeat tone.

Plutarch bid his goodbye. He said he’ll do his best to contact some people to help me out. I thanked him, of course, but I don’t have my hopes up. I hate being disappointed in the end so I stay away from hoping.

Haymitch took me to the garden and have our picnic. As usual, he made the food while I brought a fine bottle of wine. He’s right. The garden looked so much better in daylight. Everything is highlighted, the flowers, the trees, the water, the grass…all of them just shine. I feel like I can stay right here and just stare at them.

“Tell me what’s on your mind”, Haymitch broke the silence.

“I try not to think much. It’s strange considering how I used to worry about everything back in the day. You know how I was. I don’t want to think as much as I can. I just want to stay still and appreciate what’s around me, like this…like you”, I said while looking at the flowers in front of me.

“If I knew you would like this more than those stupid parties, I would’ve taken you out here long ago”, he muttered.

I laughed and then turned to him. He’s smiling and for the first time since he got here, there’s no strand of worry in his eyes or fear. He’s happy.

“I would’ve wanted that but I am here now. We are here…so thank you for bringing me here and letting me see this magical place”, I said.

I felt his hand over mine and all the fear I am currently feeling just disappeared. That’s his magic. He extinguished my fears and makes me feel safe.

“Thank you for coming here and staying with me. I know it’s a lot and I appreciate it”, I said.

“Don’t…stop right there. I know what you’re doing. Don’t talk like that”, he tried to cut me off.

“This is a reserved forest and the soldiers aren’t allowed to go in without permission from the government. Once we get out of here, they will arrest me. I am sure Plutarch will do his best but he will not be able to stop them and neither will you. So, let’s take our time right here, right now. I want to cherish this. I may not get another chance to sit here with the one person I trust in the whole Panem”, I explained.

The worry returned in his eyes but he did his best to keep it in and produced a small smile.

“Let’s take our time then, princess”, he replied.


	11. Arrested Once Again

We talked about everything in our secret garden in the middle of the reserved forest. For a moment, the old Effie that I know came back. She started talking about random things again with her upbeat tone. It’s not exaggerated like she’s trying too hard. It sounded natural to my ears. Smile didn’t vanish from her face while she talks about the hobbies her father used to teach her when she was younger. We even went to the topic of her past loves to which she didn’t back down. She shared that there’s once a man who proposed to her his entire wealth, promised her the world but she turned him down when she found out he sponsored a tribute of District 3 to murder a young girl tribute from District 9.

“I just felt disgusted and sick to my stomach. I thought, how can someone sponsor something so horrible? I knew it’s our culture. We grew up with it but it never felt okay. When I was chosen to be an escort, I did my best to appear happy about being part of the games that I hated all my life. It was surely convincing because it annoyed even you most of the time. I did my best. Manners and public appearance are two things I can offer to teach on those kids hoping those will be enough to save their lives”, she said.

“You did a fine job with that, sweetheart. They were annoyed at your constant nagging about those stuff but they appreciated it once they saw the point of what you’re teaching them”, I said.

It’s true even for Katniss. She was so pissed with Effie but when sponsors came pouring down on her and Peeta and she saw how hard Effie worked in making her look great and appealing to the people of the Capitol, she finally realized Effie wasn’t trying to make fun out of her. She was there to help her and Peeta.

“Do you know I still know all of their names?” Effie suddenly muttered. “I know all of them from year 1. That’s one of my gifts for the most times. I never forget a name and a face. Now, it seems to be my curse because I still know their names and I can still recall their faces. One can never get over things like this”, she added.

I know what she means. I may not know their names by heart, I do know their faces and what they looked like when they died. Those poor kids. I was about to say something when Effie put her hand on my face. Normally, I won’t let anyone do that but she caught me off guard. Her hand felt warm on my cheek. I can now see the tears trying to escape her eyes. The smile is no longer there.

“Eff”, I muttered.

“Just give me a moment. I want to remember your face. I don’t want to forget you so I have to take a mental picture”, she cut me off and a single tear managed to fall down her face. “Time hasn’t been very kind to us, has it? I wish we could’ve shared more. I really do. Despite your excessive drinking and your habit of insulting my fashion sense, I enjoy being around you. It took me some time to realize that I want to be with you, Haymitch”, she added.

“I want to be with you too, princess. Why do you think I’m in this city that I hate so much? I will follow you anywhere, sweetheart. I will follow you even if you wear your ridiculous wigs again”, I said and that made her laugh.

She’s laughing but tears are now falling freely from her face. She put two hands on my face and then she gently pressed her lips on mine. I almost forgot how her lips felt. The last time I kissed her was when we said goodbye after the war. For some reason, this kiss felt the same, goodbye. I felt a sting in my heart. When she pulled away from me, sadness and regret had consumed her eyes. My Effie is drifting away.

“Please, stop crying. It pains me to see you like this”, I said as I try hopelessly to wipe her tears away but they just keep on falling.

“I love you, Haymitch Abernathy”, she muttered and that put me to shock.

Did she just say that she loves me? I heard that right, right? 

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that. This could be my last chance to let you know how I feel so I took it and I am sorry to unload this on you so sudden. It wasn’t fair, I know, but I can’t go without letting you know. I just have to. I love you. I have always loved you. Sure, you’re annoying and always make me angry but you’re all I want to talk to, to see, to be with. I completely realized that when I was put in prison by President Snow but even then I didn’t have the courage to tell you when we were in District 13. I thought, ‘I’ll just tell him after the war, when all the craziness is over’ but Katniss did what she did and another chaos broke. Then, you have to go back to District 12 and I stayed. I tried when I came to visit to your place. I was planning on telling you but things didn’t go smoothly back then so this is my chance. I love you and I will always love you, Haymitch Abernathy”, she explained.

All of a sudden, soldiers came in to our garden with their weapons. Effie got up as fast as she can and wiped the tears away from her face. I stood up and put her behind me to protect her. They can’t do this yet. They can’t go in here. We still have time. We are taking our time.

“Effie Trinket, you are under arrest and is directed to come with us for your detention. If you resist, we will be forced to take you by all means necessary”, the soldier declared.  
I clenched my fists. I can’t take all of them. Maybe three but definitely not all six of them. They will get her one or another. I felt her hands over my clenched fists trying to make me relax. Her breath is warm on my back.

“It’s okay, Haymitch”, she whispered.

Effie stepped in front of me without letting go of one of my hands. She’s no longer crying. She put on a smile though her eyes can no longer fake what she’s feeling. She turned to me one last time and smiled, a true genuine smile of hers, the one I always love.

“Take care of yourself and the kids”, she said before letting go of my hand and approached the soldiers.

I watched them put handcuffs around her wrists and take her away from me. Here I am left alone to our secret garden which despite of its beauty, feels incredibly empty without her.


	12. World of Gray

As usual, they stripped me off my clothes and asked me to put the grey jumpsuit I dread so much. I know the drill so they don’t have to force me to do much. I’ve been here before. I should be comfortable, right? Being imprisoned never gets comfortable. They put me in my cell and locked me in. The only good thing this time around is that no one is beating the hell out of me yet unlike the first time.

My cell is different from before. It’s a solid concrete room, no bars, no windows. All I can see around me are walls. Everything is same shade of color and within first few hours, it’s already driving me nuts. Everywhere I look, it’s grey, even my bed linen is grey. I decided to just stare at my nail polish. At least, it’s neon green. When my eyes grew tired of staring on my nails, I shut them and just imagined myself being back in that garden. I pictured the colorful flowers around me and the big trees, as well as the crystal clear lake. The view is so much better now with my eyes closed.

I remember how it felt to feel Haymitch’s skin and to feel his lips on mine. I remember his smile and his smell. His voice somehow resonates to my ears like a music on a loop. I lay myself on the uncomfortable bed and kept my eyes shut. I would rather keep them close if it means I can see him again. Tears fell from my eyes. I know it’s silly. It’s just desperation but I will gladly take it and fantasize until it’s time for them to end my suffering. He will be my savior until the end.

Is it still daylight or is it nighttime already? I can’t tell. The room is too dark and there’s no crack on the wall to tell me if there’s sunlight outside. I am not sure if it’s been days since I got here. It felt like forever. Whenever I feel myself losing my mind, I would comfort myself with the thought of Haymitch. Sometimes, I will picture us in District 12 with Katniss and Peeta having dinner just like the old times. That is a nice thought.

After a while, I feel my throat getting dry. They didn’t bother bringing me food or water. If they’ll kill me soon, why waste resources on me, right?

I was told that there will be a trial but so far, no one’s come to get me to appear in court. Maybe they have already decided and there’s no need for a trial anymore. I am not Katniss. Sure, I am known but I am not the Mockingjay.

The time comes when I no longer have to force myself to close my eyes and drift off to some other reality. I am so tired and weak that I can no longer get out of bed. I just stay here with my eyes closed living a completely different reality in my head. If they keep us, I think I will save the trouble of producing that death serum. I can just go right now.

Just when I thought this is their way of executing me, starving me to death, I heard the door opened.

“Effie?” someone called.

I wanted to move but I am too weak to even lift a finger. I tried to open my eyes and I can see a portion of bright white light. Am I dead? I am not sure anymore. 

“Effie? Can you hear me?” the man asked.

If I am dead, then who is this guy talking to me? What the hell is going on? I thought is supposed to be swift. I watched too many deaths in my lifetime. This should be easy.

“Jesus…what the hell did you do to her?” I heard him asked which I am sure is not me.

“We did nothing”, another man said.

“I can see that. You really did nothing at all”, someone said.

Haymitch’s face is returning to my vision. I think my eyes are closed again. It’s alright. I love seeing his face smiling back in our garden.

“Come on, Effie. We’re getting you out of here”, a voice intervened and Haymitch’s face disappeared.

I felt someone touched my skin and carried me. Am I moving? No. I am not moving. Someone is moving and I am just moving along. The scent is familiar but for sure it’s not Haymitch. I know his scent really well. I tried to talk but my throat is so dry that it hurts.

“It’s alright, Effie. We got you”, the man said.

I heard another door opened so I forced my eyes to open too. A blast of bright light greeted them and I shut them down quickly. It’s too bright.

“Can somebody close that curtain? She’s been kept in that dark cell for two weeks. The light is hurting her eyes”, the man instructed someone.

I felt the bright light lessened so I tried opening my eyes once more. I can’t believe it. I can see colors. It’s not just grey. I see multiple colors, bright colors too! In my excitement, I tried to talk again and the pain hits back fast.

“Here”, someone said and handed me a glass of water.

I am so parched that I finished it within five seconds. My vision is pretty blurry but I finally got a glimpse of the man that has been talking to me since earlier.

“Plutarch?” I muttered.

That wasn’t an easy one to spit out. My throat hurts so much but I forced it because I wanted him to hear me.

“Yes, dear. It’s me. You’re safe now”, he said.

Safe? What’s that mean?

“Am I dead? I can’t remember…” I tried to get it all out but that’s all I can manage.

“No, you’re not dead. You’re very much alive, weak, but alive”, he answered.

That’s odd. I thought they wanted to kill me. I mostly been out of myself so I am not even sure if this is real. The door opened once more and I saw a figure came in. I did my best to force my sight to adjust. My heart almost stopped.

“Haymitch?” his name just came out effortlessly from my mouth.

“Hey, princess”, he said.


	13. The Marriage

My mind worked pretty fast. I know I can’t bear not to do anything to get Effie out. Plutarch wasn’t successful with his attempt to use his connections to free her. For days, I scoured the Capitol for anyone that can help us but no one would dare. They were aware of her contribution to the rebellion and they were grateful for it but they wouldn’t want to risk helping a Capitol-born citizen who participated in the games. Of course I can’t blame them. They’re just being careful but it’s Effie. I can’t just give up so easy.

Few days past and I still got nothing. Plutarch hasn’t heard any news about her trial. Paylor still can’t decide whether it will be public or a private one. I can no longer hide it from Katniss and Peeta. The word of her arrest has reached other districts and it’s only a matter of time before it reach 12 so I have to tell them before they find out about it from someone else.

“Are you kidding me?!” Katniss yelled over the phone. “Effie left her home to join us. She left her life for us, for the rebellion and this is how they repay her?” she added.

I can hear Peeta in the background telling her to calm down.

“No one wants to help her here. They are either scared or angry. Most people here still hate her for being an escort, you know”, I said.

“What exactly they want? She’s born at the Capitol. That’s not her fault. It’s not her fault either that she was also forced to be an escort for District 12”, she said.

I frowned.

“What makes you say she was forced?” I asked.

Did Effie tell her about Snow choosing her to put some spotlight in our district?

“Oh come on, Haymitch. It’s obvious. She doesn’t like the game at all. She’s just pretending the whole time with that fake smile and high pitched voice. I saw the other escorts of other districts. They didn’t care about any of us. Effie does. She’s the only one who cared as well as Cinna. I knew that it wasn’t her choice to be part of the games”, she answered.

I have to admit. The girl is smart. That’s why she survived the games. That’s why she’s the Mockingjay.

“I know. She’s the only escort who cried every year”, I muttered remembering those times she would actually cry when our tributes die horribly on TV while the rest of the Capitol cheered and laughed.

“What are you going to do? We can’t let them kill her. Do you want me to come there and help?” she asked and offered.

I knew she cares about Effie even though she did her best hiding it. It’s the same way Peeta cares for Katniss. He will do anything for her. He would even sacrifice himself for her. Hold on a sec.

“Haymitch?” Katniss called my attention.

“I’m here. I know what to do”, I answered.

“Please, tell me it’s nothing crazy”, she said.

I chuckled.

“That’s how I like it”, I muttered.

I called Plutarch and we started working out my plan. Of course, he thinks it’s crazy but I don’t care. All I care about is getting Effie out of that place and keeping her safe.

“Do you think Paylor will buy this?” Plutarch asked.

“Oh, I am good at this. She will”, I answered.

We entered her office and settled down.

“Mr. Abernathy, what a surprise. What brings you here?” President Paylor greeted.

“I’ve been in town for almost a month now. I thought you already know that but I guess there are plenty of things you still don’t know about”, I said.

She frowned.

“Like what, Mr. Abernathy?” she asked.

“Like the fact that you just imprisoned the wife of a Victor and an officer of the rebellion”, I answered.

Plutarch handed her a piece of paper. We watched her go over the page multiple times. Her eyes couldn’t believe what she’s seeing.

“This couldn’t be true. How I was not informed of this?” she muttered.

“Like I said, you don’t know a lot of things”, I said.

“When did this happen?” she asked.

“A week after she got out of the hospital. I realized I couldn’t live without her and I don’t want to take any more chances so I married her. You can ask her neighbors. We’ve been living together in her apartment for weeks now. When your soldiers arrested her, we were in the garden having a picnic. You ruined our date”, I answered.

It’s an airtight alibi. We’ve been living together since she got out of the hospital. I stay in her apartment. Everyone is already spreading around that we’re sleeping with each other.

“Now, that you know. I think you don’t want this to spread around the districts. The new government arrested the wife of a Victor who turned her back at the Capitol to join the rebellion, the rebellion that put you in the office. You don’t want to start another uprising. You know how they feel about this sort of thing and that’s Effie Trinket. You’re brewing a storm in your own backyard”, I said.

President Paylor got no choice. She knows I am right. Putting Effie on trial is not the choice for an example she’s trying to set for her people. Plutarch went down the cells to get her out while I waited to finish her paperwork. Finally, they called me. She’s in the office. I went in right away and saw her sitting on the sofa wearing a grey jumpsuit, her face pale as a white paper.

“Haymitch?” she muttered in a weak voice.

“Hey, princess”, I said.


	14. Mrs. Abernathy

My eyesight is becoming better. I can now see him clearly standing in the middle of the room staring at me like he has seen a ghost. Do I look that bad? This is no time to become conscious. Is my trial already happening now?

“What is happening?” I asked ignoring the pain in my throat.

“Your husband has come to take you home”, Plutarch answered.

Husband. Whose husband? I looked at Plutarch and he’s giving me that look. It’s that look he taught me back in District 13 when we wanted to say something else but we can’t and it means we will talk later. I turned to Haymitch who is also giving me the same look. Oh…are they making it look like I have a husband? Who then?

“What did you do to my wife?” Haymitch suddenly asked President Paylor who’s sitting on her chair.

I didn’t notice her there. Wait. Hold on. Did he just call me his wife? I noticed the anger in his eyes while looking at Paylor.

“We didn’t do anything. No one touched her. We are not Snow”, she answered coldly.

“Yeah…you don’t beat up people. You just locked them in a cell and starved them to death”, he snapped.

“Okay…seeing now that the paperwork is done. I think we can get the hell out of here so Effie can rest and get her strength back”, Plutarch intervened.

I remained quiet. I still don’t understand what’s going on but I don’t want to ruin what they’re doing. Haymitch went towards me and picked me up like I weigh nothing and carried me with his arms.

“It’s alright, princess. We’re going home”, he said.

I nodded and smiled.

“Mrs. Abernathy”, President Paylor called.

I stiffened. Thank goodness, Haymitch is carrying me so she didn’t see my reaction.

“Yes?” I responded.

“Congratulations”, she said and Haymitch took me away.

Forget about diet. I am starving. Back in District 13, I kept on complaining about the food, the drink, about everything. Now, I finally understand what it’s like to actually starve. I still don’t know how I survived for two weeks without food and water. That’s how long I was locked up according to Plutarch. Haymitch brought me home and cooked me some food.

“Thank you. This is so good”, I said.

My throat is getting better and I can talk in high pitch again. It always works in concealing my emotions. Well, it worked with everyone except with Haymitch. The man can see right through me without even trying and it’s scary.

“Why aren’t you eating?” I asked when I noticed him just watching.

“I cooked all that for you, princess. Just have as much as you want”, he answered.

I noticed he’s not even holding a flask, or a glass, or a bottle. He’s not drinking. I avoided his gaze. I saw the sadness in them and pity. I don’t like them in his eyes. It hurts. Eating is a good distraction and excuse to not look at him.

“So, what did I miss? I was gone for two weeks”, I said trying to start up a conversation.

There might be some party or something, not that I am interested, I just want him to talk and tell me stuff.

“Katniss and Peeta called this morning. They were relieved that you’re out of prison. Peeta’s birthday is coming up next week and they wanted us to come”, he answered.

He told them about my arrest. The kids must be so worried and that’s the last thing I want them to feel. They’ve been through so much. They should be relaxing, living the life of a victor and not worrying about the woman who sentenced them to death…twice.

“They want you to be there”, he said like he’s reading my mind.

“Why does President Paylor think I’m your wife?” I asked. It has been bothering me since we left that building but I don’t want to sabotage their work so I kept it shut.

“This new government takes pride of the surviving victors from the games. Most of them are part of the cabinet except the victors from District 12 because of Katniss. Paylor knows she cannot touch the wife of a victor especially the one who contributed to the rebellion. She will risk an uprising from the districts and she doesn’t want to take that chance so she let you go”, he answered.

I looked at him and saw exhaustion. Did he sleep yet? I can see the dark circles around his eyes. He worked hard to get me out. I can see that. 

“So, I am guessing you and Plutarch faked ‘our’ marriage certificate”, I muttered.

“Oh no, princess. We didn’t fake it. The marriage certificate is real”, he corrected.

I frowned.

“Real? How can it be real? I haven’t signed anything”, I asked but then I realized something and the way he looked at me confirmed it. “You forged my signature”, I guessed. He nodded. “Haymitch, if they found out what you did, you will be in trouble!” I exclaimed.

He put his hands over my shoulders.

“It’s alright, Eff. They won’t find that out. You and I are married and everything supported that. We’ll be fine. Calm down. I won’t let them take you away again”, he tried to calm me down.

“Haymitch, it’s not worth your freedom or your life”, I said or more like whispered.

“Stop”, he cut me off. “I love you too, Effie Trinket. I love you more than I can say and I know it’s the worst idea but I am in deep and I don’t and can’t live without you so yeah…it is worth everything if that means I get to be with you”, he said.


	15. Inside the Apartment

It wasn’t easy keeping her safe. Every night, I can spot soldiers roaming around her building making sure that we’re indeed living together and acting like we’re married. They’re looking for one strand of mistake and they’re going to take her away again. She’s still Capitol in their eyes. She’s still the same escort that reaped children every year for them despite her efforts to make up for it. Plutarch came by from time to time to update us on President Paylor’s plans for Effie.

Few days later, rallies erupted everywhere in the Capitol. Violence started happening between the rebels and the Capitol-born citizens. Hate spread fast.

“Rebellion really did change everything, huh”, Effie once muttered while looking out the window.

It’s a sarcastic comment. It didn’t change anything. Chaos reigns in the Capitol. For her, way of life before is way better than what her eyes are seeing now. Most of them were ignorant about the suffering of people from other districts but the Capitol was the only place where she felt safe. She used to be untouchable here. People loved her. People adored her. Now, they hate her.

“It will get better. The storm will pass”, I said.

She chuckled. It’s very condemning which is an odd sound to come out from her. Her heart is light and good.

“I heard that one before back in District 13”, she muttered and then turned around to face me. The sadness that used to reside in her eyes is now replaced with rage. “Plutarch used to tell me, ‘hang on Ms. Trinket. This will be over soon and once it does, things will go back to normal or rather the new normal’ and sadly, I believed that. I turned my back from my home, my family, my friends, my life to join the fight but Plutarch was wrong. It was never over. Look around you. The war didn’t stop. President Snow was never gone. It’s still the same and it’s getting much worse. On top of it all, I’ve been put twice in prison with everyone from Capitol to all the districts wanting to come for my neck. Tell me, Haymitch. When do you think this storm will pass?” she exclaimed.

She’s angry. I get that and I understand. All of us had already been living a bad life but at least we’re used to it because we’re born to it. Effie is not that. She was born in wealth. She grew up in the Capitol. She changed her lifestyle in order to support the rebellion. Most of us had our lost and she lost everything. She is still lost up to this date.

“I don’t know, sweetheart. I am still waiting for that day to come too”, I answered.

The rage was gone. The sadness is back. Effie looked away from me and lit up a cigarette. Her smoking habit is becoming worse as well. Before, she only does that whenever she had a really terrible nightmare but now, she lights one up every half an hour. Sometimes, she smokes three cigarettes back to back. I tried talking to her about it and she only made a comment about my drinking. Of course, I did stop drinking so I can look after her but I don’t think she had noticed. Her brain is so crowded now with horrible memories that maybe it cannot accommodate anything else.

“Katniss called again. She wants to know if we can make it for Peeta’s birthday”, I reminded her.

I saw her took a deep breath.

“If Katniss insists, then who am I to say no? Besides, it will be a shame for you to go Peeta’s birthday without your wife on your side”, she said in her upbeat escort tone.

She does that now from time to time. She switches from Effie to the darling of the Capitol just to hide. It’s easier, I guess. She has been doing that for so long. It’s her defense wall against the world.

“Eff, if you don’t want to, I can tell her”, I said.

“No. Don’t. I don’t want to break the girl’s heart and Peeta’s. We’ll be there but for now, I want to go to bed. It’s been a long day hearing those screaming outside and watching those soldiers patrolling my building”, she said.

She knows. Of course, she does. She’s smarter than most people think.

“Oh, alright…goodnight then”, I muttered.

Effie stopped walking and turned to me.

“Would you mind accompanying me? I know it’s too much. I just like having you near me when I sleep”, she asked.

“No problem at all”, I answered.

We lied down on her bed. This is our setup every night. She sleeps better when I’m next to her and to be honest, she helps with my nightmares too. It’s a win-win situation.

“I am so tired, Haymitch”, she suddenly said while staring at the dark ceiling. “Sometimes, I can’t distinguish what’s real and what’s not real. It is making my head hurt once in a while. I kept getting these flashbacks in my head and then they would be gone but I didn’t know they’re just flashbacks. Back in my cell, the second time I was arrested, they locked me in a very dark room. Everything was grey. Oh, it’s dreadful. At first, I stared on my nails which were neon green at the time just to spare my eyes from all the greys but then I grew tired of looking at my nails and I could feel my brain cracking so I decided to just keep my eyes closed the whole time and I would imagine things. I kept rewinding you and I in that garden just talking and sitting there and it made me feel calm. I forgot I was hungry and weak. When you got me out of there, I can’t make it stop. I closed my eyes and I disappear and when I opened them, all I see is violence outside. I don’t know how long I can last living like this”, she added.

I turned to her and saw tears flowing freely from her eyes.

“All of us have our own ways of escaping reality. It’s not abnormal. Katniss suffered from images of her past and the games all the time so it’s hard to just sneak up on her especially if she’s holding a bow. Peeta sometimes get caught up in his time at the Capitol and would scream until he realized he’s at the kitchen baking alone. We all have our demons, princess. We all deal with something. It’s the toll we got to live with but at least we are alive. Most people aren’t so lucky. We can get through this. You can get through this because you’re not alone. You will never be alone”, I said.


	16. Back to Twelve

District 12 looked a lot better than the last time I went here. They are rebuilding and I guess President Paylor is giving them enough for it. I wouldn’t say I missed the train but it does feel familiar. For years, this train has been part of my routine. Every year I would ride this train going to District 12 for the Reaping and then after that I would ride this train again with Haymitch and two young children that I would send to the arena to die.

“Hey…” Haymitch called my attention. He knows. Of course, he knows. The man can read me like a book. He knows exactly what I was thinking. “It’s alright”, he reassured me and then held my hand.

I can’t remember the last time we were this nice to each other in this train. He’s nice to me but not in this train. Maybe because he gets angry that year after year, I would pull him out of his home to drag him back to the games so that he could watch two children die and there’s nothing he could do about it.

“Sorry…it’s just my brain. I can’t help it”, I apologized.

He only smiled at me as response. Haymitch has stopped drinking. I never said a word about it but I know he doesn’t drink anymore. It must have been tough on him to stop and deal with me at the same time. I wish I could’ve helped him but I am in no capacity to help anyone. I can’t even help myself. I still drift off to another reality in my head. I can’t shake it off my system. Haymitch said it will get better and I will get through it just like Katniss and Peeta. I surely hope so but my hope is not that high.

We arrived at Victor’s Village and it’s exactly the same. Haymitch mentioned that Katniss and Peeta don’t want any renovation to be done at the village. They like it the way it is. I would argue on some part of it but I decided to keep it to myself. It’s not my home. I noticed as we walk towards the village, a few people are standing near the woods glaring at me. I no longer wear my wigs and I barely put on heavy makeup on my face but I think they can still recognize me. How they cannot? I am the Capitol woman who came here every year to take their children. I tightened my grip on Haymitch’s hand.

“You alright?” he asked.

“Yeah…just excited”, I lied.

“Well, let’s go then”, he said.

I can feel their eyes following me. They hate me here too. That much is sure. Katniss and Peeta greeted me once we arrived at Haymitch’s house. Peeta already prepared us some food on the table while Katniss launched on stories about the rebuilding of town. I sat there appearing to be listening but I missed most of it. I drifted here and there but I caught the last part.

“How are you doing, Effie?” Katniss finally asked.

I suddenly remembered that they knew what happened back at the Capitol.

“I’ve been better”, I answered and then switched to my escort self. “Honestly, I shouldn’t be making a lot of fuss about it since it’s my second time and the first time was so much worse. President Paylor was kind enough not to order her soldiers to beat me so I guess it’s all good in the end”, I added.

I heard Haymitch scoffed at the background. He hates it when I pretend like everything’s okay or at least use my escort voice in doing that.

“Yeah…the beating was terrible”, Peeta muttered.

“True…that is much worse. President Paylor just didn’t give her any food and drink for two weeks while she locked her up in a dark cell but yeah, the beating is much worse”, Haymitch intervened.

I clenched my fists on my dress. It’s fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine. There is no need to bring it all up! I took a deep breath and shook it off.

“Oh, there’s that too but I survived thanks to Haymitch and Plutarch”, I said in my best calm tone.

“I’ve been meaning to ask. How did you get her out of there?” Peeta asked Haymitch.

I kept it shut. I want him to be the one to tell the kids.

“We got married”, he answered briefly.

I saw the spark in Katniss’ eyes as well as in Peeta’s. They sure weren’t expecting that answer.

“What? You two got married? When? Where? Why we’re not invited?” Katniss fired questions faster than her arrows.

“Calm down. It happened pretty fast. There’s no ceremony. It’s all in the paper”, Haymitch tried his best but it’s really sloppy.

The kids are even more confused if that’s even possible. They think they got left out of the ‘wedding’.

“Haymitch and Plutarch came up with it in order to get me out of prison. President Paylor apparently couldn’t touch a victor’s wife so Haymitch forged my signature on our marriage certificate and went on to convince President Paylor that we got married right after I got out of the hospital. Everything adds up to that alibi. He’s been living with me in my apartment and all my neighbors know that so here we are. There’s your answer. You didn’t miss a ceremony”, I intervened.

I think that came out colder than I would’ve wanted because I saw the hurt look on Haymitch’s face. I am grateful. I really am. It’s just that I feel guilty that I got him trapped in this marriage all of a sudden so that I can be free and alive. He made it clear before that he doesn’t want to get married and now he is to me. Out of nowhere, I drifted off to that time in the cell. Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch disappeared and were replaced by the grey walls. I closed my eyes to shake it off but it’s not working. It usually worked but not now.

“Effie?” I heard Katniss’ voice.

“Effie, are you alright?” it’s Peeta’s now.

I felt hands grabbed my arms and yanked me out of the hallucination. I opened my eyes and met Haymitch’s eyes looking intensely at me.

“Thank you”, I muttered.


	17. My Wife

We watched Effie smoked her fears outside. Despite the freezing air, she wanted to be out there so she can breathe. I shouldn’t have brought what they did to her in that cell. Being in my home made me feel comfortable that I can say anything I want. Katniss sat next to me while Peeta is finishing up in the kitchen.

“So, how is she really? What happened earlier was new. I never seen her like that before”, she asked while staring at Effie outside.

She knew her as the escort who was always bubbly and extremely annoying. She always did her best to make them forget about the games though she failed at it each time, still, she tried and Katniss and Peeta appreciated it. Now, she’s seeing a different Effie. When we left the Capitol, she told me how vacant Effie’s eyes looked. I told her it’s the war. It happened to everyone. I should’ve known better.

“When she was locked up for the second time, she was kept in that grey room. There’s no window or other color for that matter. It was meant to drive her insane. Effie closed her eyes for almost two weeks just so she could dream away to another place. It’s how she coped with the sadness, hunger, and pain. Her eyes could barely look at the light when we got her out of there. It took her two days before her eyes fully recovered. She never got over that coping mechanism. She would drift off from time to time. At first, it was good memories. She would mention about Cinna and his wonderful taste then when rallies broke out at the Capitol, she started drifting off into nightmares like the one earlier”, I answered.

It’s not that hard to explain things to Katniss. She understands better than anyone how it feels to be trap in the past.

“That must have been hard. She is having nightmare when she sleeps and when she’s awake, she’s still having nightmare”, she muttered.

I didn’t realize that but she put it better than I did. Effie is basically living nightmares every single day awake or asleep. I am no doctor and the way we dealt with out nightmares was different. It was different with Katniss and Peeta and Effie will definitely not take on my way of dealing things. She hates drinking whisky.

“I can’t take her back to the Capitol. I can’t leave her there and I won’t leave her period. She got no one there and Plutarch won’t be able to be there for her always. President Paylor will always come after her because she’s the last living escort”, I said.

“It’s fine with me and Peeta. We love her here, you know that. Johanna will be thrilled that you will finally let her stay here”, Katniss agreed.

I looked at her.

“Johanna?” I asked.

“Yeah…she’s been calling here after she learned about Effie’s second arrest. I have to talk to her for almost an hour to stop her from storming the Capitol to break Effie out. She’s very pissed. She said that if you will not get her out of the Capitol, she will do it herself and she will force Effie to stay at District 4”, she answered.

It’s amazing how Effie formed a bond with Johanna during their time in prison during the rebellion. Johanna mentioned that it was Effie who took care of her when she was being tortured with electric shock. She even said that Effie took some of the beatings for her when she cannot manage to get on her feet. That was before they separated them and all she could hear was Effie crying from another cell. When we rescued her and Effie got left behind, she beat up that soldier almost killing him for leaving Effie behind.

“She’s staying here with me. She’s my wife. She’s going to live here in this house”, I said firmly

Katniss smiled which is rare nowadays but it’s always a gem whenever she does.

“I’m glad. Peeta will be happy to hear that and speaking of Peeta, I should go and check on him, see if the dinner is ready. You should get her back inside before she freezes to death out there”, she said and then left.

I went out and Effie is smoking her third stick of cigarette. Her eyes are fixated onto the dark woods. I put a coat around her to keep her warm.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to…it just happened. I wish it didn’t. I don’t want the kids to see me like that”, she apologized.

“No one is upset, princess. It’s Katniss and Peeta. Do you think those two will think differently of you?” I asked.

She laughed at that. They already thought about that of her the first time they met especially Katniss.

“I guess that’s true. I have to admit. I missed being here. It’s nice, familiar, and very refreshing”, she muttered.

I think this is the first time since she got out of prison that I saw her relaxed and at peace. Back in her apartment, she’s always on edge because of the soldiers roaming around and the rallies.

“The kids missed you. They love having you here”, I mentioned and that put a big smile on her face. “Stay”, I said.

She looked at me in surprise.

“Stay here with us in a permanent sense. We both know you no longer belong in the Capitol. It’s not the same Capitol you grew up in and your family is in here so stay with us. Stay with me”, I elaborated.

Effie Trinket loss of words is still something I can never get used to.

“Where would I stay then?” she asked.

“Where else you think? Of course, you’re staying with me at our house. You’re my wife, remember? We belong together”, I answered and gently touched her face while my other hand took the cigarette from hers and threw it away. “I told you. I’m never letting you go again, princess”, I added.


	18. Peeta's Birthday

Moving in with Haymitch was easy. He didn’t enjoy the part where I moved boxes of my things to his house. Good thing he got lots of room for them. He even gave me an entire room to be my closet. He knows how much I love clothes and shoes though he asked me not to wear any more wigs. It’s not fashionable anymore so it’s not that hard to follow. I stayed at home mostly. I am ready yet to walk into town for everybody to see me. Sure they know I am married to Haymitch now and I live here but it doesn’t change the fact that they don’t like me because I’m Capitol.

“You’re cleaning up again? You just cleaned the house yesterday”, Haymitch asked while sitting on the sofa.

I am holding a duster on my right hand ready to clean the house…again.

“It’s a good exercise and it takes my mind off things”, I answered.

“I know a lot of things to take your mind off things”, he teased.

I only glared at him. We do sleep together in one bed but that’s just it. We only sleep. He’s a nice company and I rarely have nightmares when he’s next to me. He doesn’t sleep with a knife anymore as well which is comforting to know that I won’t get stabbed while I sleep. There were times when he tried to make a move. We’re married and we love each other. It should be normal and should feel normal but I can’t do it. It’s not because of him. It’s just that it reminds of me of those horrible times in prison when President Snow got me locked up. When Haymitch tried to touch me, all I can see is the faces of those Peacekeepers and it makes me sick that I have to run away and hide myself in the bathroom.

Haymitch understood. He knows, I figured. Johanna might have told him about it. He never asked me about it or demanded me to tell him which I appreciate. After a while, he stopped trying. He said that when I’m ready, I should just let him know.

“We have news”, Katniss started when she dropped by the house. “Peeta’s birthday has been moved to the town center. The people thought it would be best for everyone to celebrate and the mayor agreed. Peeta too. He thinks the people can use some party”, she added.

I froze by the corner. The town center, which means everyone will be there and they will all see me.

“Can we just do the usual dinner thing at home? It always work, right? Why throw a big party?” Haymitch asked. He hates big parties as well.

“Didn’t you listen to what I just said? Peeta thought the people can use some celebration”, she answered.

I grabbed the table next to me. My heart is beating pretty fast and my head is becoming light. I searched for my pack of cigarette in my pocket and I found it.

“That would be a wonderful idea”, I muttered and then took the pack out of my pocket. “Please, excuse me. I need to condone a bad habit of mine”, I excused myself and went outside to smoke.

I just need to calm myself down and walk back there and pretend it’s fine to go to town. Of course, it’s not fine but it’s for Peeta and if I didn’t show up, he will get sad and I don’t want him to be sad in his birthday. It could be my gift for him, my presence.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. They will understand”, Haymitch said behind me as if he can read my mind which I am sure he can.

“No. I will go. It’s his birthday. It’s what he wants and I am not going to kill the mood for him. I will be there to support him”, I said.

I turned to him and flashed a smile. I don’t know if it’s convincing but he didn’t say a word after that.

Most of my clothes are a little bit over the top for District 12. They will immediately spot me from miles away so I picked a simple black dress. It’s plain enough to blend with the darkness of the night. I paired it my black heels and a good jacket. I have to tone it down. It’s not what I had in mind to wear in Peeta’s birthday when I came here but this will do.

“You looked normal”, Haymitch muttered when he saw me.

He’s sporting his usual self, denim pants, white shirt and a black coat. He looks decent and sober. I wonder if he will drink tonight.

“I have to blend in so this is the best I can do”, I explained.

“It’s fine, sweetheart. You’re still the most beautiful woman in Panem”, he said and kissed me.

We went to the town center and it is packed with crowd. I can feel my heart ready to burst out of my chest but my cigarette is ready. Haymitch held on to my hand tight to let me know he’s here for me. I instantly felt the eyes on me. I am not being paranoid. They are really looking at me.

“You’re fine, princess”, I heard Haymitch whispered to my ear.

I took a deep breath and continued walking. After I greeted Peeta, the party started. Haymitch talked to some people he knows. I let him, of course. This is his town.

“Trinket!” I heard someone shouted. I turned around and saw Johanna running towards me and greeted me with a hug.

“Oh, it’s lovely to see you. They didn’t tell me you’re coming”, I greeted back.

“I told them not to. I want to surprise you. So, how’s life being Mrs. Abernathy?” she asked right away.

I knew that question is coming up pretty soon. I didn’t realize it will be this soon.

“It’s fine. He’s very nice and understanding in a lot of things. It’s not easy to live with me and after everything, it only became worse”, I answered.

She gets it. She knows everything. That’s what bonds us really.

“Well, no need to think about that now because we are going to party. Prepare yourself, Trinket because we are going to get wasted. Unless you would rather spent the entire night worrying what other say about you”, she proposed. I supposed the first option is better than the latter.

“Hit me”, I said.


	19. Drunken Princess

Where is she? The last time I saw her, she’s just standing over there and now she’s gone. She would tell me if she wants to go home.

“Have you seen, Effie?” I asked Peeta and he shook his head.

I walked around to look for her until I saw her by the bar with Johanna drinking shots. Since when did she take shots? I offered her drinks multiple times and she declined each time. Johanna is talking so loud and Effie is constantly laughing. I never heard her laugh like this since the games. They surely became close after the war. I kept my distance and kept my eyes on them. I don’t want to cut their moment. It’s been awhile since they last saw each other. They’re just catching up. After an hour, they are both wasted. Johanna is cursing everyone and Effie is just laughing at her. She smoked one cigarette after another until she ran out.

“I’ll take Johanna. You take Effie”, Katniss said next to me.

“That’s a good idea”, I replied.

We went to them and Katniss grabbed Johanna while I stayed with Effie.

“Come on, princess. Let’s go home”, I said.

“I get now why you cling to bottles every day for years. This is nice”, she slurred.

I don’t like this. Smoking is bad but at least she’s still herself. I don’t want her to turn into a drunk just so she can numb herself from all the pain. I won’t let her do that to herself. This is self-destructive and it’s not her.

“Yeah…it doesn’t work. It only makes things worse. Let’s go”, I said and carried her with her arm.

She can barely stand let alone walk so I decided to carry her with my arms instead. The walk is pretty long from the town center but I don’t mind. Effie kept talking about fashion and then her nails until she moved to Johanna and how spontaneous she is.

“There were times I cannot keep it together and she would yell across the hallway insane profanities to snap me out. It always worked. She knows how much I hated dirty words she used. She’s a dear”, she mentioned.

I suddenly remembered Johanna at the clinic when we rescued her with Annie and Peeta. Her hair was shaved. She went hysterical when she saw me.

[You bastard! How could you leave her there? They will kill her! Snow will kill her! How could you leave her? You’re a monster! You’re just like them! You used her and now you tossed her away, you fucking asshole! I’m gonna kill you!]

I didn’t know they didn’t include Effie’s name on the list. Who knows what else happened to her when she got left behind in that cell. Johanna barely talked to me when we got Effie back.

“Are we going home now?” Effie asked.

“Yes, princess. We are”, I answered.

She laughed.

“It’s funny. I thought I know where it is but it turns out I don’t. At first, I thought about the Capitol but it’s not my home anymore, not after what they did to me twice. Then, I thought District 12 but I heard some people talked earlier how I don’t belong here because I am a monster and I killed their children with a smile so 12 is not my home either. So, where are you taking me?” she asked again.

My heart hurt. I thought she feels my home to be hers. She moved in with me and I let her do the changes she desired to the house but I know it takes more than that to feel at home. Perhaps, it’s the reason why she chose to drink with Johanna tonight, to shut out other people.

“…someplace where no one will hurt you”, I answered.

Effie smiled and closed her eyes.

“That would be nice for once”, she muttered.

I gently put her on the bed and removed her shoes. I put the covers on her to keep her warm. Tequila is not the smell I’m used to her but everything is different now. People are different. Everything changed. She’s entitled to drink once in a while. I got up but she suddenly grabbed my arm.

“Please, stay”, she muttered with her eyes half-closed. “Don’t leave me again”, she added and that crushed me.

She never confronted me not once about being left behind at the Capitol when Katniss blew the arena or that time everyone was rescued except her. She didn’t even mention it so hearing that coming from her felt worse than getting stabbed to my chest.

“I will never leave you again”, I whispered.

“Good…because that will suck…again”, she muttered before drifting off to sleep.

I climbed the bed next to her and put my arm around her as I finally let the tears fell from my eyes. I know I let her down but I didn’t realize how painful it was for her until now, until I heard it came from her. That was the time everything changed for her. She changed after that. If I only told her the plan and took her with us, she won’t be imprisoned and tortured. She wouldn’t have nightmares. She would be Effie.

The morning came and I let her sleep some more. She needs it. I went downstairs and found Johanna sipping at her cup of black coffee in the living room. How she got in, I don’t know. 

“She’s still sleeping?” she asked without looking at me.

“Yeah, she’s pretty messed up last night and so were you”, I answered.

She scoffed.

“No shit. Trinket needed it. Have you heard how those people talked about her? I know she could hear them but she’s pretending to be deaf. You shouldn’t drag her to that party”, she said.

“I told her it’s okay not to go. She wanted to for Peeta”, I explained.

“Yeah, she’s doing a lot of things for other people and it always got her in trouble especially when they forced her to give up those names”, she muttered. I shot her a look.

“What names?” I asked.


	20. The Names

I woke up with a splitting headache. What happened last night? I remember being at Peeta’s birthday party and then Johanna came and we started drinking at the bar. Everything went blurred after that. I must’ve had a lot because my breath smells like, well…Haymitch. I should’ve stuck to my cigarettes and not gave in to Johanna but she’s not here often and I missed her. I got up quickly and went for shower. I can’t face the kids and Haymitch smelling like a drunk though it might be too late considering I woke up in Haymitch’s room which means he brought me home while I was completely drunk.

I put on a nice simple dress and brushed my hair. Keeping it simple is my way of blending in here at District 12 despite the fact that my dresses were from Capitol which means they’re not very subtle. I went downstairs and it’s awfully quiet. Maybe Haymitch is out with Katniss hunting in the woods. He does that sometimes to keep her company. When I got to the living room, I found Haymitch sitting there holding a cup of coffee.

“Good morning. I’m sorry, I slept longer than I should. Have you eaten breakfast yet? I can make something pretty fast if you like”, I greeted hoping he wouldn’t mention anything about my behavior last night.

“I am not hungry”, he declined coldly.

Is he upset? I know I don’t drink very often but it’s not that shocking, I think. I don’t remember making a scene or acting like Johanna when she’s drunk. Well, I don’t remember much so it’s a possibility.

“Oh…alright. I’ll go make myself some tea”, I said just to excuse myself.

I am so embarrassed. This is exactly why I don’t drink back at the Capitol. I don’t want the feeling of not remembering things. I went to the kitchen and made myself a tea.

“We need to talk, princess”, Haymitch said behind me.

Oh god…here we go.

“Look, I am very sorry about drinking last night. It’s just…Johanna suggested it and she thought I needed it. At the moment, I felt like I did so I said yes. I didn’t mean to drink a lot but we talked and talked and then I cannot remember anything anymore. I am sorry if I did anything or said something that might’ve embarrassed you, Katniss and Peeta”, I apologized before he can say anything. I must have lost my manners last night and that would inexcusable.

“What? I got no problem about last night. You were well-behaved for a drunk. What I want to talk to you about is what you did back in the Capitol”, he said.

I frowned.

“What did I do?” I asked.

“The one where you gave President Paylor all the names of the people involved with the Hunger Games, the staff, engineers, even the sponsors”, he answered.

I felt the oxygen got sucked out of the room. The windows are all closed but it’s so cold. How did he find out? I never mentioned that deal to him and Plutarch promised not to tell that secret.

“Johanna”, I muttered out loud.

“I forced her to tell me. Is it true?” he asked again.

“Does it matter?” I asked him back trying to hold my ground.

“Of course, it does. Now, tell me. Is it true?” he answered then asked me again.

“Yes, Haymitch. It’s true”, I finally answered.

I saw the shift in his eyes. He is now looking at me differently.

“Why? Those were your people. Some of those people were part of the games not by choice. You know that. You told me that. How could you do that to them?” he asked.

Am I hearing this right? Why all of a sudden I’m the monster here? Everyone did horrible things during the war but somehow it’s justified because what? They’re rebels and I’m Capitol?

“You’re asking me why? You left me, Haymitch!” I yelled and now, I don’t care whether it’s bad manners or not. “Don’t you think I didn’t know your plans during Quarter Quell? I am not stupid, Haymitch. I am just good at keeping a blind eye. I didn’t say anything because I respected you. I trusted that in time you will tell me but you didn’t. You left and you left me behind. I know you’re heading to District 13 because I overheard you talked to Plutarch on the phone once but when I was tortured in that cell, I said nothing. I told them I knew nothing. When President Coin got killed, the new government wanted to avenge her death but they cannot touch Katniss or the victors because they wouldn’t want risking the people to turn on them too so that leaves me, the last living escort. I was once again interrogated if I knew anything about Katniss’ plan on killing Coin. I told them the truth. I knew nothing but they didn’t buy it. They were determined. I am going down one way or another so they made a deal. It’s either I will tell them everything I know about the games and the Capitol or I will go to jail and I chose the former even though I knew it will make me a pariah in my own home”, I added.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped”, he asked.

“I was going to actually but you told me you’re leaving with Katniss for 12. I was hoping you would ask me to come with you but you didn’t. You left me again for the second time, telling me to don’t be a stranger. So yeah, I told them everything. I told them the names of everyone and they executed almost all of them. They’re bloods are on my hands but it’s the only thing I could do so they wouldn’t put me back in that place again although they managed to put me back there, right?” I answered.

He took a deep breath.

“Effie…it’s alright…” he muttered.

“Cut it out, Haymitch. You already made it clear what you think of what I did. I get it. I don’t need you to approve everything I do. It’s fine. It’s not alright and it will never be”, I snapped.

“What the hell is going on here?” Katniss intervened and we both stopped.


	21. Visitor

Effie recognized Katniss’ presence. She doesn’t want to display her anger in front of her even though she’s already imploding. I didn’t mean to make her feel bad about giving her colleagues names to the government. I was just shocked. Never in a million years I thought Effie is capable of doing that but since it’s about survival, it only made sense. She doesn’t want to go back to prison and that is something we can all understand.

“I said what’s going on here? We can hear the both of you from our house”, Katniss repeated.

Johanna came in the room and she instantly figured out why there’s tension. She met Effie’s eyes and suddenly she felt guilty which I never thought I will see in her.

“Just a little argument, nothing to worry about, dear”, Effie turned to being an escort again. “Now, please excuse me. I need some air”, she added and then left.

No one dared to follow her outside. She will smoke. That is a given.

“So, are you going to tell me or not?” Katniss asked again.

“I asked her about the names she gave to Paylor”, I answered.

“Really? I already told why she did it and you have to press that on her. Now, she hates me too”, Johanna muttered.

Katniss is now confused more than ever.

“What names? What are you two talking about?” she asked.

“After the war, the new government wanted to punish those who murdered Coin—“

“…you mean punish me”, Katniss cut me off.

“…but she couldn’t do that and she couldn’t go after the victors too so she turned her head to Effie, being an escort and all”, I resumed. “They gave her a choice. It’s either she gave the names of her colleagues or they will send her back to prison”, I finished.

“Effie will never want to go back to prison. That place still gives her nightmares every night”, she processed what I just said. “They made her betray her friends. That’s why the Capitol people hate her, isn’t it? That is her punishment. They screwed her over because of what I did. She paid the price”, she concluded.

“It’s not your fault. They’re just idiots. They don’t know how to deal with it and they felt the overwhelming need to show power”, Johanna said.

Katniss didn’t buy that. She knows how much Effie valued her colleagues and her friends. She met them at those parties Effie dragged her into. She never liked them but she said they’re not bad either.

“I’ll talk to her”, she muttered.

“No. I should talk to her. I am the one who made her feel horrible about this and not the two of you”, I insisted.

“Fucking right…better fix this because I don’t want her to be mad at me”, Johanna snapped.

I failed to locate Effie the entire day. Some say she went to town but I didn’t see her. I probably have searched the entire district but there’s no sign of Effie anywhere. Katniss and Peeta helped with the search while Johanna waited at the house in case she comes back. I stumbled upon a bar near the woods. Not many people go here because there’s another one in town that’s much bigger than this. I know it’s not her scene but I went in nonetheless just to be sure. There she is, sitting at the corner with someone I cannot recognize. Katniss and Peeta came in after me and I heard him gasped.

“What?” I asked.

“That’s Kyle Hartfield”, he answered and the name didn’t ring a bell. “He was the one who administered all those stuff they put in me and Johanna”, he explained.

What? 

“What the hell is he doing here in 12? Johanna will surely kill him”, Katniss asked.

“Forget about that. What is he doing with Effie?” Peeta posed the question in my head.

I wanted to storm in and get her out but the two stopped me. They wanted to see what will happen so we picked a table not far from them but far enough they wouldn’t see us. We watched them as they talked so intimately. He held her hand and played with her fingers which made my blood boil. It reminded me of the time I followed her in the bar at the Capitol where she met with an investor. I recalled how she flirted with him to make him sign that contract. She’s acting the same right now though I don’t know what she has to gain for this. Suddenly, he put his hand over her thigh exposed by the short dress she wore today and his other hand on her face. She didn’t pull back. She just stayed there and allowed him to kiss on her lips. That’s it.

“Stop”, Katniss grabbed my arm to stop me from getting up. “Don’t do that here”, she said firmly.

We followed them out of the bar until they parted with yet another kiss. He went to the hotel in town and Effie walked by herself while smoking her cigarette on the way.

“Trinket! Oh god! Do you know how worried sick we all are? Haymitch is out there with Katniss and Peeta looking for you!” Johanna exclaimed at the door when she saw her.

The three of us hid so we can eavesdrop to the two girls at the door.

“He’s here in 12”, Effie said coldly.

“Who is?” Johanna asked.

“Kyle. I just met with him earlier”, she answered.

Johanna froze before her eyes turned into fury.

“Where is he staying? I’m going to kill him”, Johanna asked.

“You’re not killing him. He’s not here for you. He’s here for me”, Effie said without any emotion on her face.

“What for?” Johanna asked.

“A job…he got a job for me and I cannot say no”, she answered.


	22. A Job

[You got my letter. I’m glad, he said.]

[Get to the point. Why are you here? Johanna Mason is in town. You’ll be dead if she finds you here, I said.]

[Feisty as ever…I didn’t come here for her. I got a job for you, he said.]

[Stop right there. I am not your prisoner anymore so I don’t need to follow everything you said, I cut him off.]

[A smile played upon his lips.]

[You are always my prisoner, Effie. You and I were so good together. If only your husband knows how many people you killed…now, that would be interesting scene to watch, he taunted.]

[Are you blackmailing me, Kyle? I protected your ass from Paylor. I’m not the only one with secrets here, I said.]

[Sure, darling but I don’t care about Paylor anymore. You care about Abernathy and those two victors you love so dearly. Imagine what they will think of you once they find out you didn’t only give up your friends’ names, you also killed them, poisoned them until they ran out of breath. What do you think they will say when they find out those other rebels you killed in prison? He asked.]

[You made me do it! It was the only way to stop you from drugging Johanna and Peeta. I have to do it, I justified.]

[I know that but your victors don’t. Stories can be twisted. Paylor is still after you and just looking a way to get you back in prison. One word is all it will take, he said.]

[I took a deep breath.]

[What do you want me to do? I asked surrendering to him.]

[That’s my girl. It’s very simple and attainable. I want you to kill Plutarch Heavensbee, he answered.]

Plutarch…why would he want him to be dead? Knowing Kyle, it’s for his personal gain. He was part of the games and I should’ve given his name as well but he protected my ass when he found out I knew about the rebellion. Of course, he used that many times on me to make me do things I don’t want to. Now, he’s doing it again. A thought occurred to me. Promotion. He wanted Plutarch dead so he can take his place in the new government. It will put him again in position and power. He just need to get Plutarch out of the way.

“Are you kidding me? You can’t do that. The man took care of you!” Johanna yelled that it hurt my ears.

“Don’t you think I didn’t know that?” I asked her.

“…but you said yes either way”, she snapped.

I did say yes. What am I supposed to say? He will expose me not only to Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta but also to Paylor and I will be imprisoned again. I don’t want to go back there again. I don’t think I can take it. Before I can say anything, I heard the door opened.

“Why did you say yes, princess?” Haymitch asked.

I turned to him and saw Katniss and Peeta next to him and judging the looks on their faces, they’ve been listening for a while.

“Yes to what, dear?” I asked pretending not to know a thing.

“Cut it. We saw you at the bar with that man. We followed you here. Why does he want you to kill Plutarch and why you?” Haymitch fired.

I am so screwed.

“…because he cannot get to him and I can”, I answered.

That made sense. It should.

“Well, he came to the wrong person. You’re no killer. He should’ve known that”, Peeta muttered but stopped when he noticed something else. “You can’t do a thing like that, right Effie?” he asked.

I felt Johanna’s hand on my back for support.

“I’m capable of things I’m not proud of. Prison can turn a person into something unimaginable, I feared”, I answered vaguely but he got it.

Johanna tensed behind me. She knows all of these. She’s the only who does.

“Johanna?” Katniss called her attention. She knows I’m not going to tell them everything.

“Those tortures Peeta and I endured, as well as Annie…those times when it felt they will not end. They did end and that was because of Effie”, she said hesitantly.

“What did you do, Effie?” Peeta asked with a serious tone.

I don’t have a choice. I am cornered and there’s no way out.

“I killed some people in prison”, I answered bluntly and that made the three of them frowned and flinched. “It’s the only way. They would’ve killed you after you warned District 13. They would’ve kept electrocuting Johanna until they killed her. I have to make them stop so I did what they asked. It was another form of torture for me, tainting my soul was what they called it. It’s horrible but I will do it again if that’s what it takes to protect you”, I added.

I saw Katniss’ eyes shine. She’s holding back her tears.

“You can tell Kyle to fuck off because you are not killing anyone anymore. He doesn’t have any control over you anymore. You’re free”, Haymitch intervened.

I wish I can believe that and everything will be fine but it’s not. I cannot tell him the entire truth. He will be shattered. I killed a lot of people. Probably more than he did. I killed my fellow Capitol citizen. I killed rebels. I am a murderer. He cannot know it all so I composed myself and nodded my head. I trained for years to put a face to everyone. This is no different.

“You’re right. I am free now. I’m sorry”, I said.

Katniss and Peeta sighed in relief while Haymitch acknowledged what I said.

“It’s not your fault, sweetheart”, he muttered.

Oh, but it is…and I know I cannot stop Kyle either. I am trapped once again.


	23. Who Killed Kyle?

I need to pay a visit to that Kyle. He cannot torment Effie anymore. He did too much already when she was locked up not to mention what he did with Peeta and Katniss. I get that it was his job, an awful job, but it’s over. He has no right to torture Effie any longer.

She remained quiet throughout the evening. We slept on the same bed but we never talked. Perhaps, she thinks my view of her has changed. It’s shocking what she told us but it didn’t change my perception of her. She’s trying to survive and keep Peeta and Johanna alive. She killed for them, for heaven’s sake. She did more than what other people would. At first, I found it bizarre for her to wake up in hysteria from her nightmares like that. She was imprisoned and tortured but she reacts like she’s been in the arena. Now, I get it. She spilled some bloods and it’s eating her along with the torture she experienced.

That whole dark chapter is unveiling itself little by little and it felt like a marathon while catching up with it. If I am getting exhausted with the toll, I cannot imagine how it felt for Effie. She must be fucking exhausted with everything. After that realization, I feel fear in my heart. What if she gives up again? What if she tried to kill herself again? I cannot go through that again. It is scaring me now to death.

“Where are you up to?” I asked when I saw her all dressed up.

“Oh, just to town…I’m thinking about getting some presents for Annie and Finn when Johanna gets back to Four”, she answered.

“You want me to come with you?” I asked again.

“No need to babysit me, dear. I can manage. I’ll be back later”, she answered and gave me a kiss before leaving the house.

Of course, it’s a lie. She might drop by some shop to buy Annie and Finn gifts but I know why she will endure the stares in town. She’s going to him probably. I grabbed my knife and followed her. I never thought of her being a fast walker though but since she stopped wearing ridiculously high heels, she can walk freely. I saw Katniss in Peeta’s bakey with Johanna but I didn’t bother them. They will get worried. I heard Kyle is staying in the only hotel in the district so that shouldn’t be hard to find.

I arrived at the hotel and snuck my way to the only room occupied. District 12 doesn’t get many tourists and Johanna is staying with us. It has to be his room. I am prepared. Effie has been through so much and I will not let this bastard make her suffer more. It has to end. What else is there to do? It’s not I haven’t done this before. I am a Victor of a Quarter Quell for fuck’s sake. This should be a piece of cake.

The door is already unlocked. That is odd. Well, Capitol people don’t really make it a habit to lock their doors. I pushed the door opened and it’s awfully quiet. Maybe he’s not here. I turned on the light so I can get a better view and that’s when I saw it. It’s Kyle alright although he’s so much paler than the last time I saw him…and alive. His eyes are staring blankly onto the ceiling. He’s clinging to a cup of coffee with his left hand. He’s dead. I felt a wave of relief hit me fast. I don’t have to do it. I don’t need to get my hands dirty but wait…then, who did it?

My heart started beating fast. I got out of there as fast as I can and headed back to the house. There I found Effie wrapping gifts on the table.

“Where were you?” I asked.

She looked at me and frowned.

“I told you. I went to town to buy these for Annie and Finn. I also got you a new shirt. It’s in the bedroom”, she answered.

She resumed wrapping and pretended like I’m not here waiting for her to say something.

“Will you stop that for a moment?” I snapped.

She shot me a look and dropped the gift wrapper and the box on the table.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asked like there is something wrong with me.

“He’s dead”, I muttered. She stared at me clueless at what I’m saying. “Kyle…he’s dead. I went to his hotel room and I found him there dead”, I added.

She frowned. Perhaps, she didn’t know.

“What the hell were you doing in his room?” she asked and that’s not the question I was hoping for. That sent her to panic mode. “Did you touch anything? Oh my god…what if they find your prints in that room? You will be arrested. He is from Capitol, Haymitch!” she exclaimed.

I don’t know what to say. She’s more concern about me than the news about a man being dead. It’s like she doesn’t mind at all. I totally understood but the Effie I know will be horrified about the news.

“Did you do it?” I finally asked.

That made her stop ranting.

“What?” she asked me back in disbelief.

“Did you do it? Did you kill Kyle?” I clarified.

She just looked at me and didn’t say a word. I can feel my heart ready to pop out of my chest. Why won’t she say anything? Silence is no better.

“Eff, answer me. Did you do it?” I repeated and still no response.

She looked rather hurt. I swear I can see tears building up but she’s getting better at holding them back. I can’t take it anymore. I walked towards her and grabbed her arms to keep her steady.

“Goddamn it, Eff! Just tell me if you kill Kyle!” I exclaimed.

“Let go of her, asshole!” Johanna intervened. I felt her pulled me back and took Effie away from me. The girl is stronger than she looks.

“I’m not done talking to her, Jo”, I muttered.

“No. You are done talking to her, Haymitch. You want your question to be answered? Fine. She didn’t kill that bastard. I did. I already said I would and I did and it’s damn satisfying”, she declared and turned to Effie. “Sorry, Trinket. I know you told me not to do it”, she apologized.

Shit.


	24. A Habit of Eavesdropping

The fact that Haymitch thought it was me who killed Kyle felt worse than being whipped on my back by the Peacekeepers. It’s why I don’t want him to know what I did back then because he will see me as a monster. He will change towards me. Katniss and Peeta asked questions about it especially the young boy but it’s out of curiosity. I talked to Peeta long and hard to make him feel that it’s not his fault. I did it for him and Johanna and I would gladly do it again to spare them the pain. Of course, I expected Johanna to do something like that. She hated Kyle. When Peeta was taken from our block so they could use him for their own propos, Johanna was the only one left to see the things Kyle did to me and made me do.

“Eff…” Haymitch was about to apologize but I know how painful it is for him to do so.

“It’s fine”, I cut him off just to spare him the agony of going through it.

I should’ve expected this kind of reaction from him. Now that he knows I am capable of such thing, it’s not rocket science for him to assume it was me who killed Kyle. Still, it hurts a lot. Katniss and Peeta came in the house with breads from the bakery and immediately felt the tension between the three of us.

“What’s wrong?” Katniss was first to ask.

“Everything’s fine, dear”, I lied and she knows it.

Haymitch kept his eyes on me, reading my face, searching for something other than my fake smile to the kids. The realization of Johanna killed a Capitol citizen who worked for Paylor’s government hit me and there’s work to be done.

“Did you touch anything in that room, Jo?” I asked her calmly.

She thought about it for a moment and then shook her head. She was wearing a glove. Haymitch said he didn’t touch a thing so that clears him too.

“Mind filling us in?” Peeta intervened but none of us has the energy for it yet.

“I’ll make some calls and get this clean up. You will not end up in jail, Jo. I promise. Do me a favor. Next time I asked you not to do things, please oblige. I don’t want to do this again”, I said to the young lady who for the first time didn’t lash out or make snarky come backs. She nodded her head and looked incredibly sorry, not for what she did, but for disobeying me.

I left the room to make some calls in the bedroom. I know Peeta and Katniss will launch a full on interrogation session downstairs so I need private space. I dialed on the phone and waited for someone to pick it up.

“Who is this?” he asked.

“It’s Effie Trinket”, I answered.

“Well, never thought I will hear your voice again, Trinket. What’s up?” he asked again.

“I need a favor. Something happened and I need your cleaning expertise. I need a full sweep, no trace left behind”, I answered.

I heard him laughed on the other line.

“Jeez…so that speech about turning your life around and wanting to be better was all bullshit then? You didn’t bother showing up before leaving the Capitol and now you’re calling to hire my services. Who is the lucky bastard?” he chuckled.

“Kyle Hartfield”, I answered briefly and there’s silence.

“For fuck’s sake, Trinket. Of all people you could’ve killed, you chose Kyle Hartfield. Do you have a death wish?” he exclaimed.

I knew he will react this way. He’s always been so protective of me and I never understood why.

“Will you do it or not, Lucas? I don’t have much time before they find him”, I asked impatiently.

“Fine. Fine. Where are you?” he agreed and asked.

“I’m in District 12. The body is at the hotel room”, I answered.

“Wow, nice place. I’ll be there by dawn. Meet me tomorrow night”, he said and then hung up.

I put the phone down and took a deep breath. A pill sounds really good to me now. Cigarette won’t cut it and I don’t want to be drunk. I just want to get high and put my head in the clouds for a few hours until it’s over. It’s been awhile since I longed for pills. I haven’t thought about it since I came here to 12. I relied heavily on my cigarettes but now even them won’t suffice.

“Who’s Lucas?” Haymitch asked by the door.

Is this his new hobby now?

“Do you always listen to my conversation? That is extremely rude and you know that”, I snapped but he ignored it. He’s waiting for my answer. “He’s an acquaintance of mine”, I answered vaguely.

“So, his job is to clean up dead body? Clean up crime scene?” he asked.

“Pretty much but he does other things too. He’s a nice guy. He’s always been nice to me”, I answered.

That didn’t convince him. I can see the hidden disgust in his face while I talked about Lucas.

“How did you end up running with that kind of people, princess?” he asked in disbelief.

This is something I cannot believe. He is judging me still.

“Surviving the Capitol when everyone living in there hate me is tough, Haymitch. Do you have any idea how many times people tried to break in to my apartment and attacked me? People like Lucas saved me and took care of me when I felt like I was about to explode. They’re good people. Yes, they have odd jobs but it doesn’t make them bad people. Sometimes people gotta do what they have to in order to survive. You of all people should know that so stop passing judgments on me, Haymitch, because we’re not so different at all”, I exclaimed unable to keep it inside.

He didn’t say anything afterwards so I walked past him and left the room.


	25. Johanna

Is it wrong to feel a little bit bothered by the fact that she does have contacts that she can ask to clean up dead bodies? I know it might sound harsh or condescending but I think I’m entitled to ask. For the past few weeks, months even, I discovered a lot of things about Effie and most of those things are new. I don’t want her to feel offended or judged but I just need to know how she got to the point where she’s hanging out with guys like that. The Effie I knew wouldn’t even touch a muddy shoe.

She didn’t run away like I thought she would but she didn’t talk to me either. She finished wrapping her gifts and then went with Peeta to help with his garden.

“I guess you upset her yet again”, Johanna muttered behind me.

She’s holding a cup of black coffee then sat next to me. We both looked at Effie and Peeta getting their hands dirty.

“She loves that boy very much”, Johanna suddenly said. “When they injected him with that tracker jacker venom thing, she nearly lost it. She even volunteered to be tortured in his place. At first, I thought she’s being a fool but I finally got it when they were torturing her. It’s way harder to watch the person you care about being tortured in front of you and you can’t do shit. I was there and there’s nothing I could do to help her. I heard her cried when they shaved my head. It’s all too much for her brain and that’s when she yelled, ‘stop hurting them. I’ll do anything you want me to do, please’. That’s when Kyle got the idea and he dragged an old guy in her cell. He made her shoot him and she did. Effie didn’t talk for days after that. Kyle loved it. He made her do that several times until she stopped crying over it”, she said.

“Is that why you killed him? For Effie?” I asked.

“That’s the main reason. Of course, it’s also for me. The bastard electrocuted me and I still have trouble with water, you know, but when Trinket told me he’s here and he’s still trying to torment her, I just couldn’t keep it together. I cannot let him hurt her again. I couldn’t do shit back then but I am not locked up in prison anymore”, she answered.

I tried to imagine the things she witnessed but I can’t bring myself to form the images. The idea of anyone hurting Effie drives me crazy. I almost did it myself. I almost kill Kyle. Johanna beat me to it. We both will kill people to protect her.

“So why were you in that hotel earlier?” she asked.

Only Effie asked me that earlier and I didn’t answer her.

“…to gut that asshole from inside out”, I answered briefly. I met her eyes and she gave an approving look. “Don’t tell Effie that”, I added.

“She will go ballistic, for sure”, Johanna muttered.

“So, who’s Lucas?” it’s my turn to ask.

“Wow, he’s coming to 12 then. Effie pulled a huge string. Shit…my fault”, she whispered.

“What?” I asked.

“He’s running an underground group in the Capitol. He’s considered the master of the black market. Trinket met him when he saved her from two rebels trying to rape her while she was walking down the alley. Of course, they didn’t hit it off at first but when he realized she’s not the Capitol person everyone thought her to be, he grew to like her and eventually taught her how to protect herself. In return, Trinket will give him information about what’s going on with the government since she’s close with Plutarch. It’s a mutual relationship. Now, he’s coming here and Trinket probably said to him that it was her who killed Kyle”, she answered.

People like Lucas saved me and took care of me when I felt like I was about to explode. They’re good people. Yes, they have odd jobs but it doesn’t make them bad people.

Her voice rang in my head. I screwed it up again with her. 

“She was hurt that you thought it was her who killed Kyle. You’re not blind. I’m sure you know that. She doesn’t like venting out anymore but it’s all over her face. There’s a reason she doesn’t like telling what happened to her in prison and things that happened after that. It’s this moment. This is the reason”, she said.

That was my fault. I immediately jumped into conclusion that it was her. The look on her eyes already screamed no but I didn’t see it because I was determined to hear her say it was her. I need to think of a way to make it up to her. 

Effie didn’t sleep at the house though I know she didn’t do much sleeping. Peeta said she requested to spend the night at his house. I’m pretty sure it’s because of me. She’s avoiding me and I wouldn’t hold that against her. I hurt her feelings. I stayed awake all night too. I got used to Effie sleeping next to me that I can’t sleep anymore without her by my side. Alcohol might do the job but I don’t want to go down that road again. Effie and the kids will not like that.

I must’ve dozed off because when I opened my eyes, it’s already four in the afternoon.

“Shit”, I muttered and bolted out of bed.

Katniss and Peeta are hanging out with Johanna at their porch when I came over.

“She’s not here”, Katniss said before I could said anything.

“Effie’s really upset. I don’t think she slept last night. Are you going to do something about that?” Peeta asked.

We’ve been together longer but if he’s going to choose, I know the boy will choose Effie. He cares for her deeply especially after she protected him in prison, or at least she tried.

“That’s why I’m here and I didn’t sleep either last night”, I answered and that eased him. “Where is she?” I asked.

Johanna looked at me.

“I think you know”, she answered.

I almost forgot. Tonight she’ll meet that contact of hers. I overheard it on the phone.

“Thanks…I’m gonna go get her”, I said and then left.


	26. The Cleaner

It hurts but I cannot blame him either. It’s very unladylike to be associated with people like Lucas but I don’t regret it for once. He’s a nice person with an odd occupation. He has helped me so many times and kept me safe from the rebels and my own people. Still, the way Haymitch looked at me hurts a lot. It’s like his eyes were telling me he doesn’t know me anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a woman with minimal makeup, no wigs, dark circles around the eyes and dressed incredibly plain. Who am I? Even I don’t know the answer to that anymore.

Peeta thankfully didn’t ask any questions about what happened. He knows I’m upset and he learns to not press me about it. We have developed some sort of shorthand which is great. After lunch, I told them I am going to town to meet someone. Johanna already knew who I’m going to meet but she didn’t mention anything to Katniss and Peeta.

Lucas is already waiting for me in the bar when I got there. He got a drink ready for us both which is what he always does when we’re meeting.

“Lucas, thank you for coming on such short notice”, I said as I sat next to him.

“Drop the pleasantries, Trinket. I’m not one of your Capitol associates”, he greeted back.

I rolled my eyes around. He’s not very well-mannered.

“Everything is already taken care of. No one will know what happened and the hotel owner thought he already checked himself out leaving a bunch of cash”, he informed me.

“How much do I owe you?” I asked. That cash came out of his pocket for sure.

“You owe me nothing aside from the truth. Why are you hiding here?” he answered then asked me back.

I should’ve known he will be interested on why I’m in District 12. He knows I never liked the smell here and yet here I am residing at Victors’ Village.

“I’m not hiding. Well…I came here for Peeta’s birthday which happened few weeks ago. The Capitol has never been kind to me ever since after the war. You know that. When Haymitch asked for me to take my time here, I accepted. It doesn’t mean it’s easier here. It’s not”, I answered.

He looked at me carefully like he’s trying to search for something else.

“What?” I asked.

“Haymitch Abernathy…is he good to you?” he asked me back.

Lucas’ protective nature coming out. Haymitch is deadly. That is for sure but Lucas is way more deadly. I’ve seen it firsthand.

“He is. He has trouble when Kyle arrived and I was forced to tell him the truth. I think things shifted a little bit not that I can hold that against him. He has every right to be shocked”, I answered.

He chuckled pretty loudly.

“Of course, he will be shocked. Even I was shocked when I found out about it. You’re Effie Trinket for fuck’s sake. You’re the Capitol darling and to know you can do what you did, it’s pretty shocking”, he exclaimed.

I got so embarrassed that I bowed my head and almost finished my drink if it not for him stopping my hand.

“I am not mocking you, girl. I admired what you did for your friends. It’s why I stuck by you and did everything I can to protect you. You’re not like the others. You have a heart. You always have”, he said.

“I am not sure about the last part. I killed people Lucas. Those people in the cell, the other rebels. They didn’t do anything wrong. They’re even nice to me when we were there but I still killed them because I felt so selfish. I couldn’t let them hurt Johanna and Peeta so did what Kyle told me too. I killed my colleagues in the games. I got tons of bloods on my hands, Lucas. What would that make me?” I asked.

He turned serious and held my hands.

“We all got blood on our hands, girl. Nothing can justify murder but your intentions were way better than Kyle or Snow or even Coin. You did what you have to do to save your friends and to be alive. It won’t erase the blood but it’s what sets you apart from those monsters who ruined people’s lives”, he said.

Lucas sometimes surprised me. He’s not very vocal when it comes to comforting someone but there are times when he just is and it always takes me by surprise. He put a smile on my face.

“Thank you, Lucas”, I said and he gently gave my hand a squeeze.

“Anytime, Trinket, just please don’t go killing Capitol citizen in a frenzy. I thought I taught you better than that”, he teased.

When talking to him, killing sounded a lot more casual which is wrong in so many ways but it helps with making me feel better.

“Go talk to him”, he suddenly said.

“Who?” I asked.

“Abernathy. Talk to him. He’s not the usual type of man you encountered back in the Capitol and he might be extreme sometimes but I know he means well and he cares about you because if he doesn’t, he won’t be able to put up with you for years”, he answered.

Part of me knows that to be true. We hated each other when we first met but we gradually lost that hate over time and now I am living under his roof.

“You’re right. I know you’re right”, I muttered in defeat.

“Damn right, I am. I am never wrong, dear”, he exclaimed and the chuckled.

“You’re leaving now, aren’t you?” I asked and he stopped laughing. He is going back to the Capitol and live underground.

“One of us has to, girl. I’m going to try to keep the demons and monsters at bay so they won’t get to you”, he answered.

He didn’t say much but I got exactly what he’s trying to say.

“Thank you, Lucas”, I replied.


	27. So You Know Who You're Married To

Effie wasn’t in the bar when I got there. She’s not in town actually which made me worried. What if she comes back to Capitol with that guy? What if I hurt her so bad that she decided to leave us…me? She can’t go back there. That place is not good for her. She will spiral down if she goes back there. I scoured the entire district for Effie until I finally found her sitting on the grass at The Meadow. I walked towards her letting her know that I’m approaching so I won’t startle her.

“I’ve been looking for you”, I said as I sat next to her.

“I know”, she said still not looking at me.

“You do? You saw me and decided to hide?” I asked.

A little smile formed on her lips which is a nice sight to see once in a while.

“Something like that…look at this place”, she answered.

I turned to where she’s looking at and saw the sun about to set, orange light gracing the rest of The Meadow. It is beautiful.

“It’s amazing how something this beautiful can come from something so horrible”, she added.

I suddenly realized. This is where the Capitol dropped the bomb that killed thousands of people in my district. It is a mass grave we’re sitting on and at the direction she’s looking at is where the stage where she stood on used to be. There are a lot of bad things that happened in this place and yet here we are admiring the view for its beauty.

“You’re right”, I muttered.

I felt a hand over mine and I turned to her.

“I’m not going anywhere, Haymitch. I admit that the thought came to my mind last night but I can’t imagine being apart from you and the kids”, she said.

It’s incredible how she can just feel what’s bothering me without me telling her about it.

“What about your friend?” I asked. I kept it simple because I don’t want to say something else that would upset her.

“Lucas went back to the Capitol earlier. He caught the last train back. He took care of everything. Things will be fine”, she answered.

She’s calm. It is a good thing but I can’t stop wondering what happened. When Effie is upset, she doesn’t shy from telling me how upset she is. This is a different side of her and it is making me nervous.

“Do you want to go back to the house? I think the kids and Johanna are a little worried about you”, I asked and she agreed.

We walked back to the village with eyes following us. The people aren’t still used to the idea of her living with us and me hanging with her. It will take time but at least, Effie is less affected by it now. She can walk by herself to town without having a panic attack. Johanna pulled her into an embrace when we reached the door. It’s her way of thanking Effie for what she did to protect her. After that, Peeta cooked a delicious meal so we can all sat down together for dinner. Johanna talked about how she will have a hard time traveling back to District 4 because Effie, Katniss and Peeta gave her tons of gifts to bring to Annie and Finn. Peeta mentioned that his bakery might expand soon because of increasing demand and Katniss told about the new animals she saw in the woods. Effie remained quiet the whole time, just listening to their stories, laughing when they’re joking, but didn’t utter a single word.

Finally, we’re alone in the house. The kids went back to their house with Johanna. Effie just finished cleaning up the kitchen and I’m done feeding the geese. Normally, we will watch a little bit of TV before going to bed but she didn’t turn on the TV. She went upstairs and went to the balcony. I followed her and saw her smoking. She told me she’s not going anywhere but I can feel the distance she’s putting between us and I don’t like it. We’re not like this.

“You really don’t need that stuff”, I commented.

“I tried telling you that with your whisky”, she snapped but it’s not cold enough.

“…and I quit that for you”, I snapped back.

She turned around with shocked look in her eyes. I never admitted that I did that for her and now I just did.

“It wasn’t a dark prison, the one we’re in, the four of us, so we can see what those Peacekeepers were doing to the others”, she started but her voice is already shaking.

“You don’t have to tell me”, I tried to stop her but she raised her hand to stop me.

“No. I want to. No more secrets. I want to tell you everything now so nothing more will surprise you about me”, she insisted so I rest my case. “They like beating Johanna because she always provoked them with her snarky remarks. Peeta will get beaten up for trying to make them stop and Annie for her constant crying. When they were beating me, it’s always quick because they couldn’t get any information from me and I thought, that’s not fair. I couldn’t bear to hear their screams anymore and their pain so I did my best to get their attention from the kids and I got beat up for it each time which was the goal. After they electrocuted Johanna and injected Peeta for the first time, I knew they couldn’t take anything else or they will die, I begged Kyle and he took satisfaction from the fact that I was willing to do anything for them so he made me do his job. I killed the other people in that cell. Annie and Peeta were mostly passed out during those times so they don’t know. When Paylor became the president, Kyle rose up the ranks and got in charged with the Capitol prisoners, those names’ I handed to the new government. They thought it will be his punishment by treating his fellowmen the way he did to the rebels but he never cared for them so he made me poisoned each of them with a promise that he will not touch Peeta while he’s doing therapy in the Capitol. There it is. Just so you know the person you’re married to”, she laid it all with the help of her cigarettes.

I walked towards her and took the stick from her hand and tossed it away.

“Oh, princess…I know exactly who I am married to and that’s my annoying, colorful, and manner-obsessed escort who I love the most”, I said.


	28. Scars

I slipped on my nightgown and sat on the bed while waiting for Haymitch to finish in the bathroom. I can’t go to sleep without him. Last night, I didn’t sleep at all because I was scared that there’s no one to wake me when I get nightmares. 

“I always love that on you”, Haymitch said when he got out of the bathroom.

He’s always conscious about the scar on his chest but not in front of me. I am glad. It means that he trusts me that he’s comfortable to shot it in front of me.

“…and I love it when you’re fresh from the shower”, I teased and he laughed.

He climbed towards the bed and ran his fingers on my nightgown to feel the fabric, or so I’d like to think. He smells nice, addictive. He no longer smells like alcohol and I’m still addicted to him. I suddenly realized how close he is to me and I felt his warm breath on my skin and I flinched.

“I’m sorry”, he apologized and backed away.

“No…don’t go”, I stopped him.

I didn’t flinch because I’m scared. I don’t want him to go. I want him with me, always.

“Eff…I’m not rushing you to anything. I don’t want you to do things just because of me”, he said.

I ran my hand on his handsome face and brushed the hair away from it.

“You’re not rushing me into anything. I want you…always have, always will”, I replied and that’s enough for him to let go.

I instantly felt his lips on mine and I responded. God…I haven’t felt like this in so long. I think I almost forgot what it felt like to be with him and it’s not like it’s the first time. Of course, we slept together before but those times were different. Those were the times resulted from a heated argument and ended up with me pinned against the wall and despite my better judgment and the obvious fact that he’s drunk, I let him. This is different. He’s not drunk and we didn’t fight each other. I felt his hands all over me and it felt good.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked to my ear and then licked it.

“Oh, I’m sure, darling”, I answered letting out a slight moan from my throat and the man pinned me down on the bed.

I’ve been with a lot of man in my life, most of them I didn’t like. No one and I mean no one touches me the way Haymitch does. He can be extremely aggressive, rough and gentle at the same time. It’s so hard to describe. His lips left mine and I groaned in frustration. I realized his lips are traveling downwards ‘til it reached my thighs. I almost screamed when I felt them graced the right area between my thighs. I bit my lip trying to remain quiet. I don’t want to wake Peeta, Katniss and Johanna next door.

“Haymitch—“, I muttered almost pleading to not stop.

His hand found my breast and kept on going. If he keeps this up, I won’t last that long but I think that’s his goal. He finally looked up at me and substituted his lips with his fingers. I gasped and grabbed his arm but he stayed there while watching me.

“Sweetheart…” I whispered and I swear I saw him smirked.

“It’s alright, princess. You can let go”, he whispered to my ear with his tone so low and dangerous.

“Haymitch…” I muttered trying not to give in so easy but I doubt I’ll win.

“Come for me, sweetheart”, he urges and that was it.

I’ve tried it all, booze, cigarette, pills…nothing ever gave me this kind of high. It wasn’t long when I felt him inside me and it’s driving me crazy. I’m still sensitive and he’s already moving eagerly.

“Oh god…Haymitch…shit…” I muttered.

He chuckled.

“Manners, princess”, he teased.

Right. I forgot. His hands removing my nightgown as he goes along which is a wonder to me how on Panem he’s doing it. Suddenly, I felt conscious. I grabbed his arm and stopped him. 

“Don’t”, I said and he frowned. “You won’t like it. It’s different than the last time you saw me that way”, I explained.

He understood what I meant but he removed my hand and resumed undressing me. I averted my eyes not wanting to see his disappointment.

“You’re beautiful”, he suddenly said.

I turned to him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. I am covered with scars and yet here he is on top of me telling me I’m beautiful. 

“Are you drunk, Haymitch?” I can’t help but asked.

He laughed.

“No, princess. I am not drunk. I am very much sober and I’m glad I am so I can frame this moment in my head clearly. You’re beautiful. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life”, he answered.

“Stop patronizing, Haymitch. I am ugly. I am filled with scars”, I disagreed.

He started moving painfully slow this time maintaining his eyes on me. His fingers trace each of my scars.

“You’re not ugly. These scars are the proofs of the things you overcome in your life. They made you stronger, better. I like my woman real. You are real, Eff. I don’t want a doll or a mannequin. I want you. I have always wanted you even with you colorful wigs and hideous makeup. Don’t ever say you’re anything less. Do you understand?” he said firmly.

“I do…” I responded breathing heavily with each thrust.

“Good. Now, try to last a little longer because I’m going to take my time with you, princess. Oh, and don’t worry about the neighbors, because I’m going to make you moan all night”, he said and pressed his lips to mine.


	29. Marry me...formally

I woke up at the sight of Effie asleep next to me. Her head is resting on my left arm with hers resting around my chest. She looked so peaceful which is not often these days. I like her looking like this, bare, peaceful, happy. She’s meant to be happy. It’s what she deserves. From the start, she’s been thrown in a world she never liked. Sure she loves her wealth, the privilege that came with being a Trinket. She loves her status and people adoring her. At the same time, she loathes her job, the people who took pleasure from children’s suffering and death. She never wanted to work as an escort but made the best out of it helping the tributes she barely know but still cares for. 

She’s been through so much and she overcame it all maintaining her heart. If anyone will tell me the first day I met her that we’ll end up right here, I wouldn’t believe it. I am glad no one told me. Despite all the things we both went through, I wouldn’t change any of it for this moment alone. I once said I will never want to marry and fall in love again but Effie broke all those rules I set for myself. I fell in love with her and I did marry her. She may think that she got me trapped but it’s the opposite. I love this life. I love being trapped with her.

“Have you been watching me all night?” she asked snapping me out of my thought.

I looked at her blue eyes and for the first time since she got out of prison, I saw a spark in them. The fire that I admired from day one, it’s back.

“I might have”, I answered with a smile.

She smiled back and it’s no longer forced. It’s an actual genuine smile and it looks good on her.

“You know it’s rude to stare”, she commented.

“Well, if we’re going that direction I’d say it’s also rude how you screamed those profanities last night”, I teased and that earned me a slap on my arm.

“Do you think the children heard us?” she asked with worry.

“Maybe but who cares? We’re married”, I answered. Effie rolled her eyes around. “What?” I asked.

“Haymitch, it’s only on papers. We never had a ceremony and all those shenanigans that came along with it”, she answered.

Classic Effie. It used to annoy me but I missed it. I truly miss her appetite for manners, formality, and being proper.

“Well, in that case…” I muttered and reached something from my bedside table. Effie pulled away for a moment so I can get it and when she saw the little box I am holding, she frowned. “…we should go with this”, I said and gave the box to her.

Effie took it without letting go of that frown on her face. She gasped as soon as she saw the ring inside the box.

“Haymitch…” she said almost whispering.

“That belonged to my mother. My father gave it to her on their wedding day. I held on to that for years just waiting for the right person to give it to and I finally found her”, I explained.

Effie Trinket being speechless is the best thing anyone will see from this woman. 

“Effie Trinket, will you marry me…formally, with shenanigans that came along with it?” I asked.

“Aren’t you going down on one knee or something?” she asked me back with a smile.

“Oh, princess…I don’t do that. I just spent last night doing my best to send you to heaven. I think that’s much better than going down on one knee”, I answered and that made her laugh. “So, do you want to wear a nice fancy wedding dress and get married to me in front of other people?” I asked again.

“Of course! Yes! I want to marry you…formally”, she answered and hugged me tight. “You have to put this on me right now”, she demanded once she pulled from me.

I simply chuckled and obliged. I put the ring on her finger and it fits there perfectly like it’s meant to be worn by her.

“Oh, Haymitch…this is gorgeous! I love it. It’s so beautiful”, she muttered.

It’s Johanna’s last day in District 12 so Peeta cooked a feast for all of us at their house. I know the kids are eyeing each other with how Effie and I interact with each other. We were talking about the geese at my backyard and she’s telling them how dreadful they are. I know she doesn’t hate them because she’s feeding them when I’m not looking. In the middle of the conversation, Johanna suddenly gasped. It put all of us on alert. I almost jumped out of my seat when she grabbed Effie’s arm thinking she’s having an episode of something.

“Is this an engagement ring?” she exclaimed.

Katniss and Peeta’s eyes fell on the ring on her finger.

“I think it’s more like a wedding ring”, Katniss muttered.

“Well, it’s meant to be a wedding ring but she wanted to wear it now”, I muttered which fueled more questions from the kids.

“You proposed?” Peeta asked.

“I thought the two of you are already married or something?” Katniss followed.

“No…they said it’s only on paper, right?” he argued.

“Forget that shit! We’re looking at this big rock on her finger. He definitely proposed. Did you get down on one knee?” Johanna asked me.

“Are you going to hold the ceremony here?” Peeta asked once more.

Effie turned to me with a smile. She’s overwhelmed with the questions but I can see she’s happy. I held her hand under the table and gently squeezed it. She took a deep breath and turned to them.

“Well, he did propose and no getting down on one knee happened. The wedding will be held here in District 12. Since all of you seemed so excited and eager about this news, you’ll be helping me organize the whole thing and it’s going to be fabulous”, she said and everyone sighed out loud at the thought of organizing.

“You should’ve seen it coming guys”, I teased and then laughed.


	30. Wedding Preparations

Of course I am excited about the wedding. It’s been a long time since I got to organize something and this one is something for me and Haymitch so it’s even better. The kids have been dears by helping me. Johanna promised to come back few days before the wedding with Annie and Finn. Peeta is in charged with the foods and drinks for the party since he’s the only one I trust with that aspect. Katniss will provide the resources for Peeta’s menu while Haymitch bought me the fabrics I need to create my dress and everyone’s outfits.

“I’ll buy you anything you want, princess, just don’t make me wear pink”, he pleaded and I know he’s deadly serious so I obliged although him wearing pink had been in my head at first.

I asked them not to conduct the ceremony at the town center. I may be able to walk to town by myself but I still get the stares and talk from people there and I don’t want any of that during my wedding. I want it to be perfect and special.

Haymitch got worried by the amount of time I spend inside my closet/workroom. I got tons of clothes to make and that takes time. I want to focus and unfortunately that eats time I should be spending with him. He understood once he saw the dress I made for Katniss.

“Do you think she’ll like it?” I asked.

He looked at the dark pink dress I’m holding.

“Yeah…she’ll definitely love this. Katniss is not much of a pink lover but this one is gorgeous and modest too”, he answered.

That made me smile. I know Katniss doesn’t like wearing too girly clothes as well as Johanna so I kept it simple and neat.

“Can I see yours?” he asked.

“Of course not! You get to see it only during the ceremony”, I exclaimed.

“Relax, princess…I’m just excited what you’re going to wear but I know you’ll be the most beautiful bride Panem will ever have”, he said and it made me happy.

Few days passed and everything is set. We finished decorating the lot of the Victor’s Village and it looked colorful and marvelous. Who knew this place can be this gorgeous? It will be more fabulous once the lights have been lit at night. 

Johanna, Annie and Finn arrived at District 12 and Haymitch took it upon himself to care for the young man. I went at the back of the house and saw him playing with Finn and the geese. He seems happy and content. I’ve never seen him before with young child and it’s a pleasant sight to see. Then a wave of feeling hit all at once. I didn’t see it coming but looking at Haymitch with a child being happy and all, I suddenly thought that I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be preparing for a wedding. Hell, I shouldn’t be married to him at all. This isn’t right. 

I quickly ran that I almost twist my ankle because I forgot that I’m wearing heels. I ran upstairs to get my cigarettes inside the drawer and proceeded to the balcony. The air is cold but not freezing. I lit up a stick and calmed myself down. I can’t back out now. Everything is set. The wedding is happening tomorrow for goodness’ sake. Am I having a cold feet?

“What’s wrong?” Haymitch asked behind me.

He must’ve heard me running downstairs.

“Nothing, dear…just taking a break from the preparations. That’s all”, I lied which is very lousy too if I may add.

I felt him walking towards me.

“Stop. There’s something wrong because you took that pack from the drawer and now you’re smoking out here. Tell me”, he commanded.

I wanted to tell him to leave it be and let me have my time out here to breath but I know that tone. I don’t want to upset him and I don’t want to start up a fight. We already spent years fighting and arguing with each other. I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired of fighting.

“I’m just thinking of some stuff and it made me feel bad so I’m just trying to calm down”, I answered…vaguely.

He grabbed my arm gently and made me turn towards him.

“What stuff?” he asked.

I took a deep breath. There is no way he’s going to let this go.

“I saw back there with Finn playing and you’re so happy. I love seeing you happy. Then as I watched, I thought of the future…I can’t give that to you. I can’t give you that kind of happiness”, I answered.

He frowned trying to process what I just said.

“You don’t want to have kids with me?” he asked again.

“No! I would love to have kids with you but I can’t”, I answered.

He eyed me curiously.

“Are you…” he started asking but I cut him off.

“God, no! I am not infertile if that’s what you’re going to ask, dear. I can’t give that to you because…well, I don’t want to taint an innocent child”, I clarified slightly embarrassed about it as well.

Just the thought of me passing all the horrible things I’ve done to an innocent child like Finn makes me sick. It’s not fair. I’m not going to do that. I wasn’t able to save all those children I sent to their death but I can spare one innocent life.

“You are tainting no one, sweetheart. You didn’t kill all those tributes. You did your job because you have to. We both know that. The other things you did, you were forced to do so and you did it to protect the kids. If you want to play who got the cleaner slate, well…no one has that. All of us here got red on our ledger and yet Finn out there is amazing. No one tainted him even with both his parents killed several people in the arena to survive. Come on, princess. Don’t go having cold feet on me now because after I got to spend time with that little monkey back there, I think I want like five children”, he said while taking my cigarette from my hand.

“You’re getting ahead of yourself, Haymitch. We have to get married formally first”, I said.

“Well then let’s get married formally”, he replied with a smile.


	31. Wedding Day

The day has finally come that I get to see Effie Trinket walk down the aisle or rather walk down the Victors’ Village Compound but still, it’s the same. I put on the coat she made me and asked Annie to do my tie since I have no idea how. Peeta came in to help me get ready as he is my best man.

“How are you feeling?” he asked with a full smile on his face.

“I don’t know. Happy, agitated, impatient, annoyed…I can use a bottle right about now”, I answered.

“That’s normal. You are doing this right this time. You are actually marrying Effie”, he explained.

I glared at him.

“I am already married to her”, I spat.

“On paper…you produced a marriage certificate and forged her signature to save her life. That’s different. This is real right here. You are going to give your vows to each other in front of people that care about both of you. It’s a pretty big deal”, he said.

“Thanks for easing the pressure, boy”, I snapped.

He put his hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed it.

“You’ll do great. You and Effie deserve this. It’s a long time coming and I am glad to be alive to see this and be a part of this. Try not to screw it up this time please, Haymitch”, he said in a serious tone.

He truly is a golden boy. I can see how much he cares for Effie.

“I will take care of her for the rest of my life”, I replied and that made him smile.

Everything is ready. Peeta and I went outside and the view just took me by surprise. It is nighttime so all the lights they put around the compound are on. I didn’t recognize my own place. A combination of white and different shades of pink decorated the Victors’ Village. The victors are in their places with the exception of Enobaria, Katniss, and Johanna. Peeta and I took our places. I saw Plutarch with Cressida and Pollux with smile on their faces. There are no cameras aroud which is nice for once. This is real just like what Peeta said.

The music finally started. I felt my heart started beating fast with anticipation. I only felt this way during the games but this is no death games. I am going to be married to Effie Trinket. Then, I saw three figures coming out of our house. When they stepped into the light, I saw Katniss and Johanna on both sides with their dark pink dresses. They got barely makeup on which is how they like it for sure…and then, there is Effie.

She is wearing a light pink wedding gown with a neckline that I’m sure is called a Scoop neckline. I must’ve heard Cinna talking about that back then. Her blonde hair is in perfect curl. Her makeup is light, just normal and perfect and her smile makes my heart melts. Everything about her is perfect. 

Katniss and Johanna brought Effie to me. Katniss tapped me on my shoulder and winked at me while Johanna took her time looking at me. I can see Effie slightly frowning. Surely, this is not part of her plan for our wedding.

“Do you swear to never hurt her ever again?” Johanna asked loud enough for the both of us to hear.

“I swear with my life”, I answered.

“Good…because if you do, I will take her away from here to Four and I will kill you afterwards”, she said.

I smiled.

“Good to know”, I replied and she finally let Effie walked towards me.

She is glowing despite the little scene made by Johanna which frustrated her a bit. God, she is beautiful. I let her took my arm and we proceeded with the shenanigans of the wedding. Young Finn brought to us the rings: one Effie bought for me from the Capitol for sure and the other one is the ring I gave her which she momentarily took off for this part. We put the rings on each of our fingers and I gently kissed her lips. It’s not how we usually kiss but I know how she hates public display of affection. It is not proper apparently.

After the ceremony, we started partying. As usual, Johanna got wasted pretty quickly. Poor Annie has to take care of her while Peeta and Katniss watch over Finn. I saw Plutarch talking to Katniss’ mother while Cressida is dancing with Pollux.

“Haymitch!” Effie called and as I turned around I saw her with a man. “Dear, I want you to meet Lucas. Unfortunately, I don’t know his last name. Lucas, this is my husband, Haymitch Abernathy”, she introduced both of us.

I felt a little twist in my gut but then I got reminded on how this man helped her during her time at the Capitol. I owe him for keeping her alive when I couldn’t so I tossed my judgment out the window and extended my hand.

“Pleasure to finally meet you”, I said.

“Finally…I heard so much about you mostly because this girl won’t stop talking about you”, he replied as he took my hand.

Lucas and I talked for some time and I got Effie’s point. He is actually a nice guy. We got along.

“The government is still pissed she got away from their grasp. Hate will never go away but at least she’s safe here with you”, he muttered.

“Yeah…war didn’t end with Snow”, I added.

“Don’t worry about that now. I got your back. Trinket is like a daughter to me. I won’t let those bastards get to her. I’ll do my best and I will let you know when there’s a threat”, he assured me and I appreciated it.

The wedding came to an end. Some of the guests checked in at the hotel while some stayed with Peeta and Katniss. Effie removed her heels and sat on the sofa. She’s happy about the whole ceremony being a success but she’s exhausted too.

“Come here, princess”, I said.

I put the marshmallow at the end of the stick and put it in the fire.

“What are we doing?” she asked curiously.

“Toasting. It’s a tradition here in Twelve. You’re not considered married to each other without doing this”, I answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?! I could’ve included this in my plan”, she exclaimed.

“Exactly why I didn’t tell you. I want us to do this just the two of us. The ceremony and the party are for them. This is for us. Is that okay?” I asked and her expression softens.

She sat next to me on the floor not caring if she’ll ruin her dress. She took the other stick and put her marshmallow into the fire.

“I think I can finally say I am very happy”, she muttered and I turned to her. “I sleep well with you next to me. My day isn’t complete without seeing you or hearing your voice. The kids make me happy, Johanna, Annie, Finn too. I thought I don’t have a place in the world anymore but I found it and it’s not in District 12”, she added.

“What?” I asked thinking I didn’t hear it right.

“Yes. It’s with you and the kids and the people that I love so much. Home isn’t a place. It’s the people. You guys are my home, especially with you”, she answered.

I gently brushed her face with my fingers.

“I love you, princess”, I said.

“I love you too, Haymitch”, she replied.


End file.
